Photo by Ian Kiragu on Unsplash
Confident – feeling or showing confidence in oneself; self-assured
People look at me and assume that girl has got it figured out; the job, which I no longer have, the looks, the great family, the car, etc. They think I don’t struggle and that life is full of lemons for lemonade. They believe I am filled with so much confidence and that my self-esteem is at an all time high when it’s the complete opposite. In all honestly I’m a pretty insecure person who is unsure about myself and the journey I am on. There’s times I’m filled with so much doubt, that I want to find a cave, take my son and go live in it forever.
Thinking about it, I’ve never been much of a confident person. Always so shy and nervous around those around me, believing that if I remained quiet it would be much easier to get through life. I never raised my hands in class and I dreaded being called on to read aloud because I had/have this stupid voice that always sounded like I was about to burst out in tears. I avoided playing sports or joining a dance team because I always felt I’d embarrass myself, so it was much easier to say I don’t like doing that instead of trying it out.
Now that I’m older I’ve realized my lack of confidence holds me back from so many opportunities that could have elevated me in my career or helped me promote my brand. Shit, my lack of confidence held me back from actually finding out what I could have been amazing at. For example, I’ve grown up always wanting to be a model or an actress. With the modeling thing I never thought I was the right fit and then once I hit the age of 22 I started to gain all of this weight and told myself, that dream is now completely out of the window instead of getting my body back into shape. Then with my dream of being on the TV screen, I was just always too damn scared to get out of my comfort zone.
Due to my lack of confidence I’ve always felt like I’m not good enough to apply for that job, or there’s no way I’ll be able to be a team lead or manager. My lack of confidence in my brand has stopped me from trying to become a vendor at certain events or have my own events because I feel like no one will show up or it won’t catch the eyes of anyone.
It’s like no matter how many people tell me how great of a writer I am or how many people compliment me on my looks and my work ethic, I still have that little voice in my head that’s telling me they’re all lies. It’s easy for people to look at a picture of me on Instagram and think I’m confident or see me out at a lounge and think that I’m full of life. It’s easy to pretend in a picture. I just have to put on a fake smile, snap the picture and I can go back into my bubble. When I’m out with friends and I’ve had a few drinks in me it’s easy for me to open up, flirt and dance. BUT, if I were to see those same people out on a regular day I wouldn’t even know what to say.
I guess what I’m trying to say is I doubt myself way more than I’ve every believed in myself and the things I’m capable of doing. When it comes to confidence I’ve never been consistently full of it. It’s been an up and down, back and forth kind up thing. Some days I’m great and I feel like I can walk in the room and steal everyone’s attention. Other’s I feel invisible to the world and think maybe if I were to vanish no one would even notice.
So really, who is that girl? She’s just a girl still trying to believe in her dreams and love herself a little more.