A lot of people don’t know this, but I lost my virginity at 14. My high school boyfriend who I thought I “loved” convinced me to do it and I definitely wasn’t ready. I was so spooked and ashamed that I let my older boyfriend manipulate me that I didn’t have sex again until I was 20. The next six years I engaged in oral sex, but I was terrified to go “all the way”.
I had sex with my college boyfriend and thought that was my end all be all. I was proud of myself for not having many sexual partners, because I knew people that had many sexual partners before we had even turned 21. I was so happy with my ex until it turned into a toxic relationship. The climax was when he sent me a break up text on our one year anniversary. I was devastated. After that I said fuck everything, I am just going to wild out! No one will ever love me or stay with me, so why not just live my best life. We broke up in September of 2014. Ever since then I have kind of had a continuous hoe phase besides the few relationships I’ve had in between where I was faithful.
Every time someone broke my heart it was more justification for me to open my legs. I felt like that’s all anyone wanted from me and I embraced it. Not until recently have I learned how detrimental that is.
Even though I’ve been in a hoe phase for the last five years, it’s been killing me, because I am such an emotional and co-dependent person. I would sleep with someone and wonder why they haven’t contacted me or why they don’t seem as interested anymore. I would get frustrated getting texts once every two weeks during booty call hours and not getting the attention I felt I deserved after letting someone inside me. But how could I expect respect when I’m busting it open on the third night?
Having sex and equating that with interest would only cause me to be disappointed and feel pathetic every time. I was using sex as my stress reliever, but it was like a band aid to the real internal issues I have. But I still continued to do it, because it made me feel good temporarily. Then I would cry my eyes out and feel regret when the moment is over and I realize the guy doesn’t give a damn about me. I have been struggling with this for a while and my friends have always told me that I need to stop being involved with the opposite sex and just be content with being alone. They’ve encouraged me to find healthier stress relievers like working out and reading, but I’ve always ignored their advice and continued to serial date and get my fix. I knew that working out and reading would not satisfy me like sex would, so I saw no point in trying.
I met someone a couple months ago. I am very attracted to him and we have a good time when we are together, but I can tell that he is constantly dishonest. Certain things I ask him and I can just tell that he is not telling me the truth. The old me would have slept with him, not batted an eye and regretted it later, but recently I’ve started to feel more self worth. Why would I be sexually involved with someone who is lying to me? Why would I let someone INSIDE ME who has no respect for me? The fact that I’m starting to ask myself these questions is a start.
Even though I am aware that I still need to change some of my unhealthy habits, I know that it is a process, like I mentioned in my previous blog I Have A Problem…
I am not ashamed of my past, because it helped me become the woman I am today. Although I wish I was less promiscuous, it isn’t like I can rewind and take back those moments. I just wanted to write this piece to let women know that no matter what happens with any man in your life or what has happened in your past, you are worth much more than what’s between your legs, periodt!