I stood in the kitchen at my parents’ house to make something to eat and my mom came out of nowhere. She stared at me for a few seconds and then she randomly asked me “Don’t you regret not dating one of your guy friends? They are all doing pretty well for themselves and they are all married now and you’re not…” I looked at my mom confused. It’s like she constantly reminds me that I’m single and not married like I thought I would be by this age. In addition, she brings up my college ex and makes comments like “Oh I bet you wish you would of stayed with him with all the crazy guys you’ve been dealing with now.”
It’s annoying. I already feel like something is wrong with me and to have my mom in my ear constantly reminding me that I have terrible luck when it comes to dating makes me feel even worse. I know that 26 is young, but the drama queen in me feels like I’m going to be alone forever.
But there is a deeper issue here. Let me take ya’ll back…
Growing up I always got made fun of. My hair always looked a mess cause my mom didn’t know what she was doing, I was super skinny, I had no breasts or curves AND I am dark skinned which was less desirable at the time (now everyone is embracing us chocolate queens ayyy!). After years of feeling and being called ugly, I got an ass out of nowhere and finally started getting some male attention. The same guys who made me cry or ignored me throughout my childhood were messaging me on Facebook and I must admit it felt damn good. After I started getting attention from men it’s like I needed and craved that validation.
If no one was calling me cute or texting me, I started to mentally revert back to the insecure 13 year old me. Even now I still revert back to that, because I’ve never truly loved myself.
Since the age of 15 I have always been “talking” to someone. Even when a relationship/ situationship ends, there is always some guy that I am getting attention from or sexually involved with. Social media and dating apps make it so easy to get attention and when my phone is dry I find myself hitting up past bae’s with the “Hey stranger” text hoping that we can reconnect. In the last ten years I have never been “alone” which is unhealthy as hell. I’ve given men the time of day even when I know I shouldn’t because the thought of being alone makes me sick.
At the age of 26, I can now acknowledge this problem and admit that I lack the self love I need to have a successful relationship and live a happy life. I have never dated anyone longer than a year and now I realize why it’s never worked out. I constantly lower my standards so I am not alone and I am not able to be loved by good men I encounter, because me not loving myself constantly causes issues.
I know that loving myself will not happen overnight, but I have definitely been working toward it. Instead of spending time with different men to get validation, I have been trying to do more things alone. I now realize that I can’t force something to happen that is not meant to be. Our time is not God’s time. I have been praying every night that I start to really see my worth and stop settling to avoid loneliness, but I know that it is a process and I am still young so I shouldn’t obsess about being married and having a family.
Thank you for reading. This has been heavy on my heart and I wanted to open up and share my truth. It is often hard to be this vulnerable, but it is what it is.