Growing up I dreamed of having this beautiful family; the beautiful two- story home, with a front yard covered in bright green grass, surrounded by a beautiful fence, a huge backyard we’d have family functions in and to watch the three children I was having run around. I knew that by time I turned 25 I’d meet the person I was going to spend my life with and that by 30 I’d be happily married. I even thought about the perfect wedding dress, the wedding and the reception. Now that 30 is right around the corner, I feel like my dreams of being a happily married woman are quickly coming to an end.
I’ll be 29 in two months and then before I know it, 30 will be knocking at my door talking about, “Hello Bitch, we’re 30 and you still don’t have a man.” The fact that I haven’t met anyone that I can see myself having a future with is starting to make me think that marriage is no longer in my future, and it’s not because I don’t want it to but the men I come across in my generation seem to be men that aren’t looking to be married. All the men tend to be more focused on being “The Man” with the women and the material things that come with it.
The last person I thought I’d end up marrying, like spoke it to my family, like I don’t care this is going to be my husband, was the father of my child. I remember having the conversation with my mom and her being like even if you had to be the provider you’d still want to marry him. During the time I had no doubt and the answer was, “Yes, I’d still marry him.” Of course the more time I spent with him was the more that I realized we were just so different and us still being young didn’t help. He still wanted to have his fun and marriage was something he probably wouldn’t have taken serious at the time anyway. If I’m going to marry someone I want it to be a man who is sure of me and not looking for what he is missing in other women. After that failed relationship, I held onto the idea of marriage for a few more years until finally I got fucked over one too many times by guys that I opened myself up to and they turned around and shitted on me.
Over the weekend, a few of the women in my family ended up having a discussion about marriage. In their generation it was like you needed to be married right out of high school and if you didn’t have a husband and a kid by the age of 25 you were considered doomed for life and looked at as somewhat of a failure. Having that conversation had me thinking if I could be married now I would but I don’t think it’s something that’s meant for me. Of course I still hear the, well you can meet someone this year and still have that marriage you wanted to have by 30, and I’m just like yeah sure I can.
Would I be fulfilled if I never meet my other half and had more kids? If I’m being honest with myself, probably not. BUT am I going to settle for just anyone to say I have a husband? Absolutely fucking not. Whoever comes into my life has to know they aren’t getting just me but also my child. I refuse to be in a relationship, yet alone a marriage with someone who can’t accept my child as their own. I’m just over having to always start over with a new person; starting a new chapter in my life and then never completing the fucking book. I’m tired of broken promises and pouring out my heart to people who don’t care if I bleed out in front of them. Some people say because I have my walls up so high that I’m blocking my blessings but I haven’t really had anyone come in and completely break them down and if they did get them to crumble a bit something always happened to the point I had to start repairing it.
I may be one of those women who don’t even get married until I turn 40 or 50 or maybe I’ll end up a statistic and be one of those black women that never get married. BUT where does that leave me when it comes to having more kids? I most likely won’t. As much as I wouldn’t mind having one more child, I refuse to have another child out-of-wedlock. I want to be able to send my family and friends wedding invitations before I’m sending them baby shower ones.
I really hate to say that a marriage is one of those dreams that I believe will no longer come true but I’m getting there. I’m ready to take the ring off my vision board and call it a wrap.