Trapped In My Past

Photo by Jordan Benton on Pexels.com

People say dwelling on the past isn’t healthy and we should focus on the present and hope to have a better future. I understand it, but I also don’t. I feel like most of my happier moments in life are all complied in a file, that is my past. I was happy, I was free, I laughed more and had people I could confide in. Back then I had a clear plan of what my future would be. Now I’m always stuck in a place of uncertainty. I feel drained. I’m more sad than happy and I’m constantly feeling like I’m doing everything wrong.

Some people would call it regret, but I’m not exactly sure that’s what I’m feeling. Maybe it nostalgia; a longing to feel what I once felt. Or maybe it’s a mixture of the both.

“Until you heal the wounds of your past, you will continue to bleed. You can bandage the bleeding with food, with alcohol, with drugs, with work, with cigarettes, with sex, but eventually, it will all ooze through and stain your life. You must find the strength to open the wounds, stick your hands inside, pull out the core of the pain that is holding you in your past, the memories, and make peace with them” 
― Iyanla Vanzant

I often wonder if I’d be married by now, living in another city and raising children with the man I decided to leave behind. I guess you can say I may regret a few choices I made, but those choices birthed a love I could never let go of; my son. Even knowing I was given the love of my life I still wonder what if. Is it wrong of me to have these thoughts? I sometimes feel like I traded in the story that gave me a happy healthy relationship, friends, a career, and multiple children for the story that ends with just me and a son that eventually leaves me behind to start his own happily ever after. I get this scary feeling that love and friendship will never find me again, so I go digging through the archives of my mind to find a little bit of peace and hope.

I guess you can say I wonder so much about where I could have been by now If I had done things the way I planned, because I’m scared of the future and feeling lost in my present.

At times I wish I could erase my past completely, but if I did that there’s no telling if I could make memories that live up to those of my past. Would I even be the person I am now? Honestly, I’d probably be depressed asf and just knowing that makes me feel sad asf.

My life is nothing like I thought it would be, but everyday I’m trying to change my story.


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