I haven’t blogged in a while, but I have been itching to give you guys an update.
I am in an interesting place right now. In theory, everything is going great and I should be happy.
But because of my anxiety, I wake up everyday feeling extremely indifferent.
Regardless of all my blessings, I just can’t seem to feel satisfied and secure.
It’s like I have a constant fear that something is going to go wrong.
I stopped going to therapy because I felt like I had hit a plateau. I was doing a text based therapy service, and wanted to take steps toward an in person therapist. However, once I realized how much that would cost, I had to put that on hold. Now I am left to self-manage my anxiety and high stress.
It’s been hard.
I’m scared of failure, scared to get my heart broken, scared that I’m going to turn 30 in December and still be in the exact same position I’m in now.
I’m scared that everything I want will never come to me and I’ll still be dating, renting and working a 9 to 5 at the age of 41.
I try to think positive and stay optimistic, but that’s easier said than done.
Recently I’ve even been questioning if I’m bi-polar and/ or clinically depressed. I’ll be having a great day, flourishing, being great and out of nowhere a thought will trigger me and I’ll bust out crying in the parking lot of Food Maxx.
Things are going great for me creatively. My social life is good. My love life is in a healthy place. Work is going amazing.
So why can’t I just be happy? It’s quit annoying that my internal feelings do not reflect the life I am actually living. Like what the fuck! I am actively making good money, pursuing my dreams, dating, spending quality time with my friends, booty still big LOL. Like what real reason do I have to be unhappy? I ask myself that everyday as I repeatedly write FML on a sheet of paper.
Just existing is exhausting. Getting up everyday. Putting on clothes. Communicating with people. Smiling when you don’t feel like it. Trying to be employee of the year, daughter of the year, trying to show your worth so someone will want to commit to you and love you, trying to get noticed for your creative endeavors, not to mention texting/ calling all your friends back, checking on your family, and getting on grimy ass BART to commute to work during a Pandemic.
Despite all these feelings, I will continue to press toward the mark and utilize healthy coping mechanisms like writing. Thank you for listening and I hope that you continue to flourish this year and be great! It is officially Black History Month, so let’s stay focused on our dreams and making our ancestors proud.