Change comes only if you want it. The saying that has been resonating with me for three to four months now is ”the best apology is changed behavior”.
The friendships with the bad behavior patterns causing pain but not astronomically sat in comfort while l suffered silently. The friendships with catastrophic damage were determined the most to change.
The ones that brought the most tears and I just knew would never change, went from receiving apologies and absolutely no changed behavior to changing behavior with no apologies.
The ones who had the most support and whose hand I was holding, I apologized more and changed less if not at all.
The more l pushed the more I felt like I was pulling/dragging vs. supporting. Wanting so badly for someone I love to be in a better place. Me wanting to urgently remove them from that space but then being scratched and kicked with the realization “that I’m comfortable here and I don’t want to go”, the bad behavior patterns say.
I started to hear more reasons why, l deserve this and how I should just get used to it. Maybe this is what I have to go through right now and it’s not so bad because if it was that bad then I would’ve left.
Finding more ways to make the pain that I’m in comfortable so that I can get up and go on. The “I’ll just shake it off and it’ll be fine” talk.
Another huge part of this death trap is to think that one is deserving of the pain or punishment or trauma due to the imperfections in one’s life. To settle the score because “I wasn’t always a perfect person so maybe this is my karma” talk.
I hope you hear me screaming BULLSHIT and slamming my unicorn card down.
This is not how life works, you are not subjected to stay in pain or imperfections or trauma due to your own imperfections in your past. You are no longer responsible for the other person‘s trauma and pain, it is not yours to take on, deal with and to fix.
If a person is constantly apologizing with no constant change, you need to change! You have to switch up your marketing and business tactics because what you’re asking for, you are not receiving. You do not have to continue to serve that specific clientele.
You have every right to put a stop to it and to move on if you’re not getting the results that you desire. You deserve to find something new and to test it out to see if it works for you. Continue to do that until you find your groove.
Do not feel pain or shame or neglect or abandonment because you have chosen to pick up, to speak up and to move on. You are no better than, less than or equal to anyone but yourself.
Once ego steps aside- you will understand that the competition is not on the outside with others but within your higher self.
Once ego steps aside- you will see that there is no room for jealousy, no room for neglect, no room for self doubt, no room for sorrow or worrying. Absolutely no room for regret.
You will see that the possibilities are endless and the table to eat at, is as long and as full as a Hogwarts dinner. You will smile in confidence because you know that you have not lost anything, but you’ve gained everything.
The people and the places that no longer serve you and the person that you now choose to be, have vanished; they have chosen their own path in their own direction just like you chose yours. So this is the self trust.
You know that your dreams and desires are yours to see through even if others don’t see them. Especially the ones closest to us. Ones that hold our hand every day. The ones that say I love you and I understand.
My love is if you love me then let me go, let me be free, let me fly. Let me show you what all this love can do.