My Life Be Like

Discovering Akilah

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Seeing the world for the first time in 1993.

Being the last of 4 children.

Being raised by a older mother.

Growing up singled out and abandoned by my father. 

Being 20 years apart from the first born.

Being raised by a single mother who had breast cancer, lupus, and a small hole in her heart never telling anyone, until her sudden death the second day of 8th grade. 

Being disciplined by my eldest sister, because my mom asked her to, she once said.

Child abuse, abandonment issues, child neglect.

Being the backlash of favoritism from my dad’s mother. 

As l walked in the house freshmen year of high school from leaving BSU, l over heard Granny telling one of my sisters at the kitchen table, “Akilah killed yall’s mother”. She never defended me. She just sat there and listened to her burn my name to ash. 

Sleeping on a cot in the garage. Sometimes l can still here the sound of the rain on the door. I can still feel the cold cement under my toes. 

Going through a child custody case as a pre-teen.

Attending 3 different middle & high schools. 

Self-punishment, suicidal thoughts, running away.

Sexual abuse, sexual assault, low self esteem.

Moving to Los Angeles by myself with $286 cash. Or was it $386? All l know is l had to give $150 as my Student Housing Applacation fee. What was left was for food & school supplies. Target & the 99 Cents Store in North Hollywood. 

Searching for love in all the wrong places-adult chat lines/websites as young as 12 years old. 

Being attracted to older men under the age of 18.

Being under 21 and conning men for money and/or attention. Dinner, school supplies and toution. 

Getting pregnant freshmen year of college.

Searching for adoptive parents to have an open adoption with.

Being pregnant in student housing.

Being manipulated by my child’s father since we met.

Physical, emotional, and mental abuse by the ones who said, “I love you”.

The feeling of always wanting children but not a teenager.

Self sabotage & self hate. 

Not having a healthy relationship with my siblings and missing them.

Missing my mother. Despreatly wanting parents l can call and talk to and ask for help.

Feeling lost and like a truly crazy person. Constantly reading the definition of psychopathy to insure l don’t fit the criteria. 

Elements of me being absent from my physical body.

Dyslexia, an eating disorder, adolescent, and young adult therapy.

Bipolar depression, anxiety, and obsessive-compulsive disorder. 

Unpredictable and aggressive behavior, not being able to sit still, a tick.

Homelessness, sleeping outside, an evection.

Regression, dissociation, repression. 

Allowing myself to be in harm’s way.

Living in the same city as my child but not seeing him for months at a time. 

Feeling like a bad mom for needing to get my mental health in order before being a mother.

Brainwashing myself. 

Staying in a destructive connection knowing it’s not good for me.

Not knowing how I got here.

Not knowing much about why l am the way l am and desperately wanting to dive deep in my psyche to figure out who I am and what my purpose is.

2 thoughts on “Discovering Akilah”

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