My Life Be Like, sexperts

Quarantine Pussy

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With the current state of the world and the pervasive devaluing of black bodies, I need vitamin D. Its like, no matter what we do or how we protest, its a problem for the WYPIPO. And just so we’re clear, vitamin D isn’t sunlight or orange juice. I’m talking flesh, girth, stroke, pleasure. Sex is an essential business. But the problem that many women have is that their pool of options is limited during this quarantine. How do single women who want casual sex typically find men? They go to a bar with a girlfriend, start up a conversation, take the guy home. They go to a bar with a girlfriend, start up a conversation, date, get to know the guy, and then take him home. They find someone on a dating app, through a mutual friend, on social media, etc., meet up, and then …….. go over to his house. Regardless of the approach, the goal, vitamin D, is accomplished.

But in times like these, most people are not going out of their way to meet new penis. So guess what? Sis goes back to old faithful. The dude that won’t commit, that treats you like a piece of meat, and that you know will never do you right. BUT it’s safe, and you get your vitamin D. You lie to yourself and say it’s just sex, and you won’t get feelings …. and some of you 1%ers won’t. But for the rest of us, congratulations, you played yourself.

Or, sis started dating someone right before we had to shelter in place and now is no longer being appropriately dated, but instead is being used as safe, convenient, low effort, quarantine pussy.

We’ve all done it. But I just want y’all KNOWING wassup. And don’t be in denial, you’ll feel in your gut that I’m right.

Here are a few ways to identify whether y’all quarantining and building or whether he’s gonna drop you the second he can start his regular hunt. And don’t take my word for it, I got this from a successful male author who has a whole website dedicated to this kind of info… and I’m paraphrasing things I’ve learned from his books.

Sorry, there might be men in the room so … message me if you want the details. Alright, here we go.

1. He invites you over without any plans of what you’re gonna do together. I’ve seen my housemate’s boyfriend write out “movie tickets” with the seats labeled “L bed corner” and “R bed corner,” and he already got her. Meanwhile, some of us are going over to guys’ houses, and because they talk to us a little before they try to take our clothes off, we think it’s more. Naw sis, quarantine pussy.

2. He only texts you or calls you to confirm you’re still coming over. This guy doesn’t care how your day is going , or if you’re going insane. He hits you a few hours before your scheduled “date” to make sure he’s not masturbating tonight or throwing a last-minute Hail Mary to his roster.

3. When you do talk to him, It’s all about YOU. You may even text back and forth throughout the day, a meme here, a gif there, but nothing major. He gets you to start opening up to him but gives you little to no insight into himself, past relationships, life goals, etc. Here you are, telling him all about Ray Ray and Marcus and how your biggest fear is dying alone. He gets you to open up because then you feel more comfortable, and he can get nastier, freakier, quarantine pussy from you.

4. He never wants to talk on the phone. Call me old school, but the guys that actually have genuinely cared for me in my life, call me. Bonus points if they FaceTime you. Texting is for children and for arranging sex appointments.

I’m not going to talk too much about my current situation because auntie Tabitha would say, “that’s my business.” But trust me, right before God reminded me of a blessing I was sleeping on, I fell into a quarantine trap. I relaxed all of my standards because he “couldn’t really take me anywhere.” But the devil is a lie, effort can be made quarantine or not. So class let’s all say it together-

5. No effort = what?

Quarantine pussy.

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