Childhood Trauma “Part I”

Wow, I haven’t wrote a legit paper since college so bare with me! However, I continuously write poetry about love, lust, sex, racial issues, women’s empowerment, etcetera. Today we are going to focus on childhood traumas specifically in the black community. It’s a touchy subject that many black people know all to well in our society, but we don’t necessarily talk about it which is quite interesting. I will dive deep into the issues in the black community that stem from slavery, and have plagued black people for numerous generations. Religion has been a staple in most black communities, and I have so many stories from growing up in the Christian church. The way we think about money is an issue for black wealth; and the black dollar is not recycled in our community properly. Also, sexual abuse is rampant in the black community whether it is physical, psychological, spiritual, or possibly mental. We are going to get straight to the meat of these issues. I will share my personal experiences and other’s experiences. They will not be named in this excerpt and I will not go into too many details, however we are going to get straight to the point.

Religion! I grew up a Christian and was baptized at the ripe age of nine years old in Modesto, CA. It was predestined for me to be a preacher according to some of the church folk, and my family. My dad is a pastor of a church, both of my grandfather’s are pastors, two of my uncles are ministers, two of my first cousins are ministers, you get the point. I used to have “church” in my house, I would preach, and my sisters were the choir. I also used to teach Sunday school to my sisters when my dad couldn’t at Delhi Missionary Baptist Church. I became “conscious” at age eighteen, and I broke away from the church when I went to college in 2014. I remember coming home and telling my family “I don’t believe in Jesus, my blackness refuses to believe in a white God.” My family was furious and told me I was going to hell, I was influenced by demons, and that I needed to come back to Jesus. It was such a traumatic experience, that I started to act like I believed for certain family members, but a select few knew my true beliefs. My great-grandmother predicted that the men that came from her lineage would be preachers, however she didn’t specify if they would all be Christian. I know I’ve been chosen to be a speaker, but it’s to enlighten my people, not to enslave them with dogma.

These religious experiences tore at my soul because I respected my family’s beliefs however they didn’t respect mine. It got to a point where I would hate coming home, because I would be guilt tripped to going to church. If you’re a family member reading this, I hope you don’t take this excerpt personal, however it is my truth and I stand by it full force. These beliefs have come from slavery, which is why I can’t and will not stand by it. I get sick when I see a depiction of white Jesus’s in churches and in family member’s homes. It’s a pain that I talked to my therapist about last year, but not many people understood me. I still keep a lot of stuff in because when I did tell my family the truth about who I am, they chastised and ridiculed me. I’m sure they did it out of “love” but it sure as hell didn’t feel that way. These are just some of the experiences I went through growing up in a Christian household. If anyone isn’t Christian anymore and needs someone who can identify with them follow my page for poetry on Instagram @evinscam. I would be more than glad to help you out in any way! You are not alone.

Don’t get me started on the way we think about money in the black community. Excuse my language, but it is ass backwards. Some of the phrases I used to hear growing up were, “Money don’t grow on trees”, “The world don’t revolve around you”, ”You should get a regular job for security”. I’m going to dissect these three phrases with the first one being “Money don’t grow on trees”, I’ve heard this phrase so much, and it is a dream killer. What it is insinuating is that you shouldn’t dream too big because money doesn’t grow on trees. The law of attraction lets me know that money is all around me, it comes from trees, and that I get in what I put out. I am currently reprogramming my brain to think in abundance, and although it’s been painful and hard at times, I have done things at twenty-two that I never thought I would do. The next phrase “The world don’t revolve around you”, most black kids hear this phrase when they’re getting scolded for dreaming or essentially focusing on themselves. Although technically this phrase might be true, it can be traumatizing to a kid who hears this.

My belief now that I am older is that I may be a small part of the universe, however my universe does revolve around me.

My world is mine, and I am the co-creator of my reality. The last phrase I have heard since I have graduated college is “You should get a regular job for security!” I hate this phrase, I went to college for my family, and now it’s time to live for myself. I currently work for my Dad’s business, and I have another business that is about to blow up. I don’t have a conventional job, but I love it that way. I was in Las Vegas for eight months and worked for Lyft, and I was still able to travel out of state. I realized that I would have more opportunities in California so I moved back about three weeks ago. However, I will never have a office job again. It’s not in my DNA, I deserve more than that.

This last piece might be triggering for some people so read at your own risk. I might have to write a part two to this piece. Sexual abuse is rampant in the black community. Most black families have that weird uncle of aunt who is kind of off. However, a lot of families keep quiet about these people, because they are afraid of what others may think which is crazy. I just know one thing; when I have a daughter I already know who I will not leave her alone in a room with, and that is sad. I know people personally who have been sexually abused, and it affects their relationships, how they see themselves, and how they view the opposite sex or sometimes the same sex as a whole. I personally haven’t been physically abused, but I have been mentally and psychologically abused by certain family members who I stay away from to this day. I love myself too much to be around certain foolery, and I am a grown man. If I feel disrespected, I will let you know really quick. I don’t like verbal arguments with people who abuse you with their words, because it is not worth it. A lot of the people who hurt us were abused as kids themselves which is why they repeat this vicious cycle knowingly or unknowingly. If you have been abused and are reading this, I encourage you to seek help, and to “out’ the person in your family and/or circle so they don’t keep on abusing others. I know it may be tough, and hard to out these people, and maybe even scary, however you are not alone. I could write a book about childhood trauma’s but today I’m simply writing a piece and my debut into the media world. Thank you for reading, and I’ll be back with some more deep soul clinching topics.


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