Weighing-Scales-dreamstime_xl_9027872

The scale, it’s not a girl’s best friend but more like the girl across the hall that gave you dirty looks and made up rumors about you in school. It’s legit my worst enemy, yet I can’t help but go back to it hoping it will stop deceiving me. I know, I hear it all the time, don’t trust the scale during your weight loss journey because you could be losing fat and gaining muscle, which is why the scale doesn’t show a shift in your weight, BUT I can’t help but to get down on myself.

I’ve had my phases of being skinny, which many people talked about me for. Then I had my phase of gaining weight and everyone reminding me of it every chance they got. There was a time none of that bothered me and there were also times when I weighed 115 and prayed to be at least 145 pounds, now I’m stuck looking in the mirror, grabbing onto the fat around my midsection, wishing I was any of those sizes.

About two weeks ago something came over me and I told myself it was time to know how much I weighed. I knew for a fact I couldn’t be anywhere over 174 lbs, that was the biggest I convinced myself I could get. I walked in the bathroom and grabbed the scale that had been collecting dust for almost two years, opened up the back and finally replaced the batteries. My mom asked me, “why’d you have to do that?” and after stepping on it I asked myself the same thing. Did I really want to face the reality that I had completely let myself go those 6 months I was out of work? That’s what the number 191 was telling me.

Well honestly my jeans had told me I had let myself go, awhile back, which is why I started working out again.

Every time I tried putting on a pair I wanted to throw a tantrum like my son does whenever he has to get out of bed in the morning or does something he doesn’t want. I started thinking back to all those times I spent hours trying to find something to wear out to a lounge and eventually having to put on the same black leggings because nothing fit. To how I couldn’t even wear my cute jackets because my arms were so big it was making me feel and look like a stuffed turkey. Me feeling sexy was out the window. When I started working back out a few months ago I had to be at least 200 pounds because trust me when I say I could barely execute one move, not even a stretch, but this isn’t even where my battle with losing weight begins.

The first time I decided to try losing weight was back in 2012. I was in a relationship at the time and I was comfortable with the way I looked, of course that was up until I could no longer fit the clothes I had been wearing since high school. All my boyfriend did was feed me and I’m surprised he never said, “Babe, slow down on the snacks,” but I assume his life mattered to him, but no one else was saying it either, except for my mom of course. I got a few guurrl you getting thick comments but that was it. Maybe that was people’s way of saying girl you fat now. Anyways, my boyfriend at the time started noticing how unhappy I was about it and decided to help me out. We got a gym membership, a P90X video and I was convinced I was ready to go. He even bought me a bike. Once he stopped working out with me though I was no longer motivated and figured he liked me the way I was so I told myself to get over it.

Then in 2014 I had a baby. I was so focused on being a new mom that my weight didn’t bother me. I had actually lost a little during the pregnancy and breastfeeding helped too. Plus I was on WIC so I was pretty much eating cereal, apples and peanut butter all the time. For someone as picky as me, having WIC was the healthiest I had ever eaten. But a month after his first birthday passed I was down on myself again, spending time in the mirror poking at every flaw. That’s when I finally decided to give Herbalife a real try. I had tried it back in 2012 but it just didn’t work for me. I wasn’t losing any weight but this time around it had did wonders. I was happy, energized, motivated and feeling beautiful again. The flat tummy I had dreamed of was right around the corner from me but something happened and I got comfortable and started having more cheat meals then I should have. I told myself I could go awhile without drinking shakes and working out. I was at the smallest (141 pounds) I had ever been since gaining the weight (because I’ll never be 115 again) when I stuck to the program like I was supposed to, what was going to happen?

For three more years I continued to have this back and forth battle with my weight and now here we are a forth year and I’m ready to go another round, but this time I want to continue to win. I’m so over looking at myself in the mirror and picking myself apart when no one is looking. I know it’s not going to be an easy battle I’m fighting but it will be worth it, if I can continue to stay dedicated to the journey. I know I’ll have a cheat day here and there but as long as I don’t make it a habit I’ll be fine.

For me it’s a mind thing. When I feel like I’m never going to lose the weight I automatically sabotage the process but not this time. I know I’m stronger than that and my happiness is kinda depending on it. Plus I’m trying to act real fast for a day with my new body, then I’ll go back to wearing over-sized clothing, not because I feel like I have to but because I like to.

I’ve finally took those before photos so I can stop depending on the scale for proof I’m making progress and maybe one day I’ll be bold enough to show you all.

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