I was depressed.
I had claimed to be depressed before, but this time was different. My boyfriend had broken up with me December 3, 2017. This is a little foreshadow to Part 2 of The Long Distance One (PART 1) so make sure you check that out so you can be up to speed.
I was sick to my stomach. Imagine traveling to see somebody who is in a whole nother state and then you get broken up with during the trip and have to sit on an airplane for 6+ hours to go home. I wanted to cry hysterically, but tried to sleep through the flight to avoid any awkward attention. The whole flight I kept thinking of how Patrick was supposed to be “the one” and how I screwed it up. This led me to reflect on all the relationships I had and by the time I landed back in California, I felt lower than I have ever felt.
Luckily I had my sister Leona. Well she isn’t my real sister, but she might as well be. She was going through a break up at the same time I was, so we really leaned on each other and supported each other through this depressing time. We were devastated and all we did was go to the gym, cry and party. At least one of those things was productive. I realized I had to slow down after blacking out one night. I had drank so much that I ended up waking up naked on Leona’s floor. I had no idea when we had left the club, how we had gotten from Oakland to San Leandro, or why some random number was texting me asking “Baby are you okay?” Everything was a blur and before I could fathom what happened that night, I was running to the toilet to throw up. All I wanted was to sleep, but the Jack Daniels in me wasn’t having it. I threw up every hour on the hour and didn’t stop until around 12 noon… it was crazy.
After that night everything was going downhill. I kept blaming myself for losing Patrick and I started to go into isolation which is something I have never done. My friends were texting me for days and I didn’t want to communicate with anybody. I was still going to work, because I didn’t want to be depressed and broke, but after work I went right back into feeling hopeless. I’m usually the type of person that always responds to my friends regardless of my mood, so after a while they started to get worried. I didn’t care. I just wanted all the pain to go away. I was hurt, I was angry, I was sad, I was emotional…
One night my depression was at its peak. I had a rough day at work and I had no idea how I was going to make myself feel better. I didn’t want to hang out with any of my friends, I didn’t want to workout, I didn’t want to do anything. All I kept thinking was how bad I wanted to stop thinking, stop feeling and stop hurting.
I ended up driving to Lake Merritt. At this point in time, I still lived at home with my mom, dad, sister and brother, so I couldn’t go home for a peace of mind. I sat on a bench and gazed out into the water while tears ran down my face. As I stared into the distance I asked myself: What if I Jumped Into Lake Merritt?
I had never had a suicidal thought. I always felt like I could overcome any obstacle that I faced, but this time I didn’t feel that way. I felt defeated and disgusted by the person I was and I didn’t think I deserved to live anymore. What was the point? I was working at a job I hated, my living situation was extremely toxic and now my “soulmate” broke up with me in the most dramatic and hurtful way.
I walked toward the water and stopped right when I got to the edge. At that moment I felt like I had all the power.
Killing myself was something I had complete control over. If I jumped into Lake Merritt that night and froze to death or drowned that would be Michaela controlling Michaela’s life. After standing on the edge of the lake for about fifteen minutes, I realized that I had let a man have too much control over me. Way worse things had happened to me and I always felt confident I would push through, but now I am feeling suicidal because of a breakup? I came back to my senses, got into my car and drove home. Never again have I let myself get this low and depressed. I have adapted efficient coping mechanisms and I feel much stronger after that whole incident.
I know that a lot of people have been depressed and/ or felt suicidal, but are too ashamed to admit it. If you or anyone you know has felt this way, please don’t ignore it. I was able to come to my senses, but a lot of people do not, so please make sure to take advantage of The Suicide Hotline, a United States-based suicide prevention network of 161 crisis centers that provides a 24/7, toll-free hotline available to anyone in suicidal crisis or emotional distress. Thank you for reading.