Queen Media Collective

*WARNING I AM ABOUT TO GET REALLY PERSONAL!*

It was my 22nd birthday and I was so happy. I only had a year left of college, I had never failed a class, I hadn’t been to jail and I was a member of the best sorority on the planet. My friends and family accompanied me to Black Angus where we enjoyed a yummy dinner, and the plans after were to go to The Cellar, a hot night club located in San Francisco. Since being 21 I hadn’t gone to a club in the city, so I was super excited to go there with all my friends.

The Cellar was lit! It was so much fun and I felt so confident. My friends were drinking, but I didn’t even want a drink, because I didn’t need one (this was before I really just became a drinker). I had fun being sober, so all I needed was good music and good vibes.

My birthday was on a Saturday so the next day I had church. My dad gave a testimony about how he was blessed I made it to 22 years of age without doing any drugs, drinking or getting pregnant….

I was single, but I had reconnected with my ex boyfriend in early December. When we broke up three months earlier, I stopped taking my birth control pills, because I didn’t see a need since I was going to be single. However, the first week we started talking again, we ended up doing the do and of course we weren’t smart about it. 

My dad’s testimony replayed in my head… my period hadn’t came, but I wasn’t trippin’ off it, because my best friend told me birth control stays in your system for “three months”. 

Just to rid myself from the anxiety I was feeling, I ended up buying two pregnancy tests. Lo’ and behold they both had two lines = pregnant. I couldn’t believe this… I was pregnant by my ex boyfriend who broke up with me on our one year anniversary via text message…. I was so shook. I told my little sister and kinda just lingered around the house the rest of the day. Coincidentally my mom asked me later that night “Has you period came?” I quickly said “No…” and my mom said “Aren’t you worried?” I said “No” and went back into my room… My sister and I had the same period schedule so my mom knew I was supposed to be on mine. A few minutes later, I came back out the room crying. My mom looked confused and I said I have to tell you something… and she said “You’re pregnant” and I hung my head low in shame. 

I was pregnant… unmarried and single… I felt so ashamed of myself. How could I be so stupid? To make matters worse, my ex was in the Bahamas on a cruise with his family. Should I wait to make a decision? Handle it and not tell him? I never thought I would have to make this decision… 

When I told my ex he was surprised, but he told me he was fine with whatever decision I made. He was 25, he had just graduated from college, he had just landed a great job… he was set. I however was still in school, worked at Orchard Supply Hardware and was only 22… in addition, I still felt some way about his ass. I did not want to have a child with him or in general… I wasn’t ready… AT ALL. I told him I knew what I was going to do and there was nothing to think about. 

I went to the doctor and got the confirmation that I really was pregnant. I felt sick. The doctor asked me if I wanted to discuss options and I told her no, I knew what I’m going to do.

I had to wait a week before I could get the abortion. I was only five weeks pregnant, so I was still eligible for the pill procedure. I was so relieved, because I was literally TERRIFIED of getting the surgical one. The pill procedure made it so much less dramatic and I was able to do it in the comfort of my own home.

After the deed was done, my ex and I continued to communicate. One of my friends said after experiencing that, you have to get back together, but I didn’t want to. I was glad that the one thing that would have connected me to him forever was now nonexistent. So a few months later I cut him off and moved on with my life.

It has now been around three and a half years and I have been having baby fever. I think back to the moment I decided to get an abortion… it makes me sad. I honestly wasn’t sad at the time. I literally did it and continued living my life. I am sad now because my daughter (I just know it was a girl) would of been three years old, damn near four this year. Whether me and my ex worked out or not, I would of had a mini me who would be learning right now, and conquering the world… it’s just crazy to think about.

I have shared this information, because abortions are such a taboo topic. I want to encourage women to make the decision FOR YOU, not anyone else. I honestly think I partly made my decision, because a part of me worried what people would think. I didn’t want people to judge me and talk about me for being another stereotype. If I could go back I probably would make the same decision, but it would be solely because I wasn’t ready. If you find yourself unexpectedly pregnant, explore your options and make sure you do what’s right for you. Don’t let anyone influence your decision or make you feel like you will be perceived a certain way if you make a certain decision. This is your life, and you are entitled to being pro- choice or bringing a life into this world. I was debating sharing this about myself, because it’s a little more personal than I usually get, but I know that so many women can relate and I want them to know that it is okay. There is no proper therapy available for us after we get an abortion. We are expected to just go on with our lives like nothing happened, but this experience can be traumatizing so don’t be ashamed to seek help if you need it. Don’t feel like you need to be that strong women with no emotions toward something such as life changing as that. I never really talked about my abortion in a therapeutic way. But it’s never too late and lately it’s been on my mind. Will I need to get therapy? I am not sure. But if I do need it, I won’t be ashamed to seek help. Thank you for reading <3.