Whenever I find out that someone I know or follow on social media is expecting a child, I am happy for them, but a part of me is bitter. I have always longed for the day I become a mother. I was supposed to graduate from college, find a good job, marry a “college sweetheart”, and then have kids. With that timeline, I had planned to be a mother by the age of 25. But here I am 27 years old and nothing went the way I expected. Sometimes I am happy I have no children, because I have the freedom to do what I want and lots of wiggle room to get my life together. But then I see someone pregnant and it makes me depressed that I am so close to 30 and nowhere near motherhood. I have literally sat in my room and cried feeling like why her and not me? I know it isn’t that serious, because I am still “young” and my time will come, but I can’t control how I feel.
I often think about how life would be if I never would of got an abortion, I would have a whole five year old that I would be taking to Kindergarten, watching Frozen with, going on class field trips with, etc. But I made the choice not to become a mother at the age of 22. The few people that knew I was pregnant mentioned how having a baby “wouldn’t be so bad”, because I was about to graduate from college soon. I didn’t care about that. I had the perfect timeline… college degree… good job… marriage… baby. I wasn’t going to let myself become a baby mama and shame my religious parents. I had to do things “the right way”.
I hope no one gets offended by this, but I never wanted to be a “baby mama”. I had heard the things people would say about women that had children before marriage and it made me determined not to go down this route. I didn’t want to disappoint my parents, but I also didn’t want to be considered a stereotype or have a child with a terrible man or someone I did not want to spend the rest of my life with. After getting the abortion, I told myself that I would never get another one. So if I got pregnant again, regardless of who the child’s father was, I would just have to take responsibility for my actions. The last five years I have been adamant on taking birth control, but because of my strong desire to have a baby there’s been moments where I’ve thought “What if I just let go and let God?” Regardless of these foolish thoughts, I have remained responsible and still hope to stay childless until marriage.
Before I bring a child into this world I am determined to be financially stable, with someone I know I want to spend the rest of my life with and mentally prepared. I feel like too many people are having children without considering these factors. While I know sometimes things just happen, I personally would like to be in a position to set me and my future child/ children up for success. Not a life of toxicity, poverty or them having to grow up without a father.
Shout out to the mothers and fathers out there. I can’t wait to join you when the time is right.
Queen Media Collective 