When people would tell me they are depressed I always thought they were being dramatic. I always though, you want to kill yourself? Come on, nothing is that serious. I would always console them, but I could never relate… until now.
I am going through a break up and I am depressed. I know that I have blogged and wrote about men before, but this relationship was something different. Long story short, I was broken up with for not being perfect. I was abandoned for having flaws. I was belittled for being… me. Although I don’t hate myself, I have never been the most confident person. And this relationship broke me… it broke me.
I have been crying and mopping around for two weeks. In addition, I have been using alcohol and other things to numb my pain. To have someone tell me they hate me and don’t want me after I did so much for them was a literal stab in the back. To talk for countless hours about marriage, and a dream home and children and then for someone to leave and instantly make you feel like your nothing. I literally feel like NOTHING.
I knew I hit rock bottom last Friday. I was all dressed and ready to party with my girl so I drank and drank and drank and drank. I knew I should stop but my mind told me no keep going, don’t stop… maybe you’ll die and not be in pain anymore. I saw a familiar face in the club and the next thing I know I woke up on my girl’s floor confused with a huge scab on my arm. This was so scary. I’ve gotten fucked up before, but never have I ever blacked out. As she recalled the events of that night I didn’t remember a lot of it. I looked at my car and there was puke all over the passenger side from me throwing up as she drove us home. The fact that I did not remember a night had me feeling pathetic. After I woke up I continuously threw up until I couldn’t throw up anymore. It was the worst thing I have ever experienced.
My ex is so toxic that I blocked him after the break up. I couldn’t stand to be called selfish, ignorant, stupid, a liar, a hypocrite or insecure anymore. The I hate you and the fuck you’s were starting to feel unbearable from someone I was 100% sure I would have a future with. I knew for my emotional being blocking him was the best decision. Us attempting to talk wasn’t getting us anywhere and all he did was keep mentioning how done he was as I pathetically begged for another chance to be loved and accepted for who I was… I wasn’t getting that chance and it is probably a good thing. I started to tell everyone what happened and my coworker told me “You deserve someone who thinks you’re perfect” and that made my heart feel warm. I felt like she was right and him leaving me was a blessing in disguise. I felt good for like a day and then I broke down again. I have felt devastated and then last night was the climax of everything.
I contacted my ex and as I expected he belittled me and yelled at me and made me feel like shit. Deep down I knew I shouldn’t of called him, but I needed to try again I needed to talk it out I NEEDED to go to my once safe space… where I felt I belonged. He told me he was living his life and didn’t care about me at all… I started crying and I asked him how could he treat me like that and what did he do? He hung up in my face. I texted him a long message saying how hurt I was and saying I feel like dying. I poured out my heart all in that one text and all he could text back was basically fuck you, I don’t care. I cried myself to sleep after contemplating drowning myself in the shower and then I woke up today.
I barely got out of bed, but I forced my black ass to get dressed, go to work and continue with my daily activities. Did I cry in between and think about everything? I sure did, but at the end of the day I am still here. At the end of the day I am still trying to move on and not stay broken. I have never let anyone effect my emotions this much or belittle me like he did, but I will be okay. I have 0 self love and I know that’s why my life is the way it is (besides the guys I choose just being fuck boys). I loved my ex and would of done anything for him, but he clearly didn’t reciprocate those feelings. I officially know what it feels like to be depressed and I will never again underestimate someone when they communicate to me that they are depressed. If it wasn’t for me thinking about how much more life I have to live, I would of ended it all last night.
What’s more unfortunate about this is the timing. Usually I love the holidays. Christmas, my birthday and New Years… everything is usually so cheery and perfect. At this point I barely bought any gifts, I have like no b-day plans and I am not happy. I am not writing this for anyone to feel sorry for me but please please please just keep me in your prayers.
I have never felt like I can’t do it until now and I am trying to get myself out of this funk, but so far nothing is working. I am trying to avoid detrimental coping mechanisms such as smoking, sex and alcohol, but the positive thing aren’t working for me either. I put everything I had into this relationship and to have the one person I thought I could count on be so cold to me… I never would of ever saw this coming and it just sucks ☹. I am sure there will be a future post that is super motivating, but as of right now I’ve got nothing. Thank you for reading.