monochrome photo of woman wearing sleeveless top
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Even as a “SEXPERT,” which I say loosely, I had no idea what the HELL “Unicorn Sex” was.

According to our research, a unicorn is a woman that enjoys having intercourse with couples in prearranged threesomes.

“Oh, I can write about that,” I thought once I found out what it was.
But to be candid, I know nothing about unicorn “life” because I have only been a unicorn once, and it was TERRRRRRIBLE!!! With a capital T.

How Did You Meet:
It was a drunken night during my party days. I saw this beautiful, racially ambiguous lady dressed in a lace bodysuit and slacks. She stood out because the environment we were in was full of college kids wearing sneakers and Forever21 crop tops.
I was complimenting her, she was complimenting me. She was drunk, I was faded.
Then her HUSBAND walks up and interrupts our convo. It was very awkward. ESPECIALLY when he asks me, “so you like my wife?” My whole face froze, but then he laughed. “It’s ok. I find you quite attractive too.”

Still in shock, I jokingly told him good job and insinuated that he must be something special. I was down to experiment with them, even though the husband was not my type, so I had to get my flirt on. Before the night was over, she asked for my phone number. The two of them walked out, and then she text me, “It was great meeting you tonight. If I wasn’t on my period, I would have brought you home with us.”

What was I about to get myself into?

How Did It Go:

The wife calls me and invites me out to dinner. She told me to drive to their home, and we would go to Cheesecake from there. First impressions, their house was cluttered AS HELL. There were bookshelves with random trinkets spilling off, huge filing cabinets, and litters for cats. The husband apologized and told me it was their roommate’s belongings. Him saying that didn’t make anything better. WHY DO YOU HAVE A ROOMMATE? Anyways we went to dinner and two bottles of wine later we headed back to the house.

The husband left to go get some snacks for the hungry hippo that is me, which gave me alone time with the spouse I actually liked. She started complimenting me, and soon we were kissing. The husband walked back in the house and stared at the two of us, annoyed we’d started without him. “Are y’all ready to go?” He asked, walking towards their bedroom. Following behind him, wifey held the door open for me and insisted I sit down. Hubby lay beside me and rolled a blunt while she undressed.

She was even more beautiful. It was only fair that I did so as well.

Everything felt magical. Until the actual sex started.

First, the wife gave me head that was mediocre at best. It got to the point that I just pushed her off. But she sucked the soul out her husband right after, so clearly she had some skills. Later, I ate her despite the performance she gave me. During, hubs put on a condom and started hitting it from the back. He made my favorite position feel like boring white people missionary. I just was not into it. And once that was done, I felt like a complete outsider, just watching a married couple have sex. Maybe it was a letdown because I’d been corrupted by porn. Or perhaps they just were awful at sex. Did I lack confidence to engage more with them? I don’t know. I’ll have to wait to meet another couple in the club to find out.