“Nobody wants to be with a sad girl.”
That’s what she told me.
“You walk around looking miserable, that’s not going to attract anyone to you.”
I tried to fix my face.
I tried to make myself look happy like all the other girls.
But it didn’t work.
No matter how hard I tried not to be transparent, the pain was clear as day.
I WAS SAD.
Why would someone be sad at 14?
I was four years away from being “grown” and should have been ecstatic.
But I wasn’t.
The pressure, drama and puberty was getting to me.
I felt like I was falling and I couldn’t get up.
It was at that point that I started to behave recklessly.
And after that there was no going back.
My entire life I planned things out. I KNEW I was going to get a job when I turned 16, I KNEW I was buying a car at 17, I KNEW I was going to college, etc. I was born a perfectionist so at a young age I wanted to make sure that I had everything I needed when I became an adult. A car, a college degree, my own place, a perfect boyfriend… I never understood when people made excuses and didn’t have certain things, because I always felt like “Life is what you make it”. Fast forward to being a 26 year old post college millennial and I now realize that life isn’t black and white. Timing is everything and some things are just out of our control…
With that being said, the last few months I’ve been in a semi rut, because I am constantly comparing myself to those around me. I didn’t want to share, because to some it may sound like I’m being a hater, but its not even like that. I’m extremely happy for everyone around me and everything they have accomplished. But I can’t deny it makes me feel sad, because I feel like I’m not going hard enough. I ask myself questions like these:
If my friend was able to find such a good paying job, how come I haven’t?
If my friend was able to purchase a home, why haven’t I?
If my friends were able to get married and have children, why haven’t I?
If my friend was able to get out of credit card debt, why can’t I?
After asking myself all these questions, it always goes back to me wondering what I am doing wrong. Although I know that its unhealthy to compare myself to others and everyone’s journey is different, lately I have been doing it more than usual. Its like I’m obsessing over everything I lack and becoming more and more envious of others. I’ve been trying to think of ways to stop doing this, but I can’t. Its even led me to have sleepless nights because it’s just not fair to me. I work so hard and try to get where I want to be in life and its like I take one step forward and ten steps back. This may sound like first world problems to some, but I’m just speaking my truth.
I don’t want to sound like an ungrateful brat, because I know that I have things going for myself and its not like I’m twiddling my thumbs staying stagnant. But one of my biggest flaws has always been how impatient I am. I want to be financially stable NOW, I want to be married and have a family NOW, I want to be successful NOW and even though I am only 26 I feel like I’m so behind.
I know they say enjoy the journey, but the journey sucks. I’m ready to fast forward to the life I want to live. Everyday I wake up I think about my current situation and get annoyed. I think about how I’m living check to check and get annoyed. I think about how far away everything I want is and get annoyed. I try to make myself feel better by saying to myself “It could be worse” but that hasn’t really helped. I listen to my friends talk about the homes they own, their babies, their husbands and wives, their plans for next year and I’m just like damn my plans for next year are nowhere near that dope. I see certain couples I know with their children and homes and dream jobs on social media and I like the pics and statuses and may even comment, but I can’t deny that it causes my whole mood to shift.
I want to reiterate that I truly am proud of everyone in my circle and everything you guys are doing, my feelings just stem from wanting more for myself. If you have any advice for me to overcome this, please share! I have been praying for a peace of mind, because it’s not right for me to be covetous of what others have. My life shall unfold how God has intended and I just need to accept that and not feel less than, because those around me are in a different position.