It’s safe to say that most of us have found the love of our lives or believed we had at one point. We make ourselves believe that these are the people we will share our lives with, our story, our heart and even our last day. We fall so deep and get caught up in signs and wonders that we don’t see the dark cloud hovering over what was never meant to be.
I loved the same man for 11 years. It’s been no one else since! Everything in my being makes me cling to this man like a drug. I’ve had relationships as attempts to force myself to move on, to stop feeling as though I am incapable of this same love with someone better for me. Someone who’s compassionate, who cares, who SEES ME! The truth is, I’ve gotten so used to tricking myself into believing that he’s loved me the same way as I’ve loved him! But he’s loved parts of me! The parts of me that come easy to him, because of my vulnerability and my blatant lack of regard for myself when it comes to my love for this man I’ve let him use me, hurt me, make a fool of me and even have endured being number two just to have a piece of him and NEVER “winning“ the prize! Making myself believe that I was running a race and the finish line was worlds away. But NOW I have come to the understanding over the years that I have loved the image of a man in him that does not exist. Not because he is incapable of love and goodness, not because he is not a good man, good father or can’t be a husband. It is because he is all of these things, but not for me.
It shows in his lack of knowledge of me. What I like, what I think, what I need and even in what I feel. I am not myself around him, I can’t speak my heart and I would never dare share my dreams. He has become a crutch of my personal fears and lack of understanding of what real love could be if I let him go and allowed what was meant for me truly to find me. He’s all the things that I hate about myself and why I am detached from the thought of happiness with a man. I am comfortable with rendezvous and distance because I know what comes with that. No feelings, just sensations of what I need to feel in that moment and then in a flash it’s gone. I feel out of place in his presence and unwanted in his heart. I realized all of this just to say, sometimes the love of your life doesn’t love you at all.