10/06/2020 Thoughts

My personal self question I’ve been searching for is: Why did l allow myself to be mistreated? Because this is not the first time I’ve allowed myself to be silenced by a man.

After my last relationship l really noticed a pattern. I’m attracted to financially stable Latins, due to the financial stability they’re usually 8-15 years older than me. I make it a requirement that l am to be wined & dined and spoiled. I make it clear that l am looking for someone who can take care of me.

For many years l was blinded by the backhanded compliment and materialistic apologies. In the form of brand new Apple electronics, really expensive dining experiences, shopping sprees (& for my friends too), trips, sexual attention, cash, flowers, and pounds of weed.

This inner journey inside myself has been avoided at all cost and a LONG time coming.

It was easier to robotically move throughout my current life than to stop and self evaluate, and make some fucking changes. I said things like, it’s too hard and time consuming.

During my studies, l came to believe that a lot of traits and behavior patterns are preventable, and because those are preventable, so is self hurt and suffering. 

For all the pain I’ve felt in a relationship, I’ve punished myself that much more. I allowed myself to be in places l knew, I was too good for on account of low self esteem and not knowing who the fuck l was.

I believe it was very important to take the time for myself and to find my truth. If I hop into a new relationship without first evaluating Akilah, Akilah is sure to repeat the same patterns.

My biggest fear is being a 50/60 year old idiot. Being unhappily married, living as roommates. Entering into a new relationship that looks like the old ones. And finding a new way to get the same result year after year, going absolutely nowhere…psychopathy at its finest.


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