I find it most hard to explain to some why it’s difficult to, “just pick one”. For most of us we picture what that meal will look like, what does it smell like, who we’re going to eat it with, and what day we plan on eating it. I’m gonna grab the shrimp because I’m thinking of a Po’boy for dinner tomorrow night with my roommate.
Standing in front of the bread I can picture myself making a sandwich. I can picture myself making toast. I can picture myself making a sexy ass grilled cheese. I couldn’t picture myself eating anything I didn’t have a taste for not even my favorite things. This is something I experience a lot. A lot meaning 5 out of 7 days a week.
I couldn’t choose because I didn’t want any of it.
I had $100 bill set aside for groceries. I’ve been trying to dig deep subconsciously to figure out why the fuck I don’t like to eat! Why do I like the idea of food but certain times I challenge myself to see how long I can go without it? Why is that so fucking exciting!
Starving myself is the only thing I can control. It’s about to get really crazy… but it’s the only thing that l feel like l have say so over. I can personally say one more hour or two more hours and I can personally make myself so busy that it’s been four.
I like that I’m in control, I like that what I say goes and I like that I end the deciding factor between pushing myself past what I thought that I could achieve and setting a new goal setting a new record.
Starving yourself should not make you feel most powerful. My association to saving that hundred dollars so that l can spend it on rent or something for my child, should not be the motivation between my next meal.
There are the times when grocery shopping is nothing but a breeze and I’ll bring everything home wash it off and put it away. I will see to it that the cabinets and refrigerator looks like a Pinterest photo. The idea of food in the cabinet is so that if anyone comes over l have something to feed them. At that point then I’ll break out the pots in my life skills to prepare them a hot meal.
My friends tease me because I don’t cook anymore. And because l don’t eat.
On my best day comments about my food consumption still bother me. The fact that l can no longer hide it means I’m slacking. I’ve hid the secret for over 10 years, and the older l get the more l beat myself up because the longer it’s been.
I know that my association to food comes from deeper issues and food is just the surface. I know that it’s the things I’ve been allowing myself to still believe. Those tiny voices l still listen to. If you don’t buy this, you can have money for that.
Money for that is always paying someone else for the responsibilities of adulthood. It’s never for the living my best life moments. The spontaneous living my best life moments are still planned out and budgeted.
Food is beautiful and meals are best with meaningful conversation, laughing till your screaming and lots of really good red wine. Stability is more important to me than food. Being a responsible adult is more important to me than eating.
But what does being a responsible adult have to do with skipping meals and is skipping meals really being a responsible adult?
Food is the only way l am able to punish and reward myself. As smart as l am these are the parts of me that feel so dumb, so uneducated…just plain stupid. This makes me feel like l am so far away from healing myself, from overcoming a eating disorder and being a light for others.
Sometimes l have no idea what I am doing.