At eighteen I had a plan and at twenty-one I was sure I’d see it through. Then 25 came and I will admit fear kicked in but I still had high hopes of everything being alright. Now, here I am at 30, feeling as if I’m barely surviving; wondering when is the next time I’m going to have to go searching for a new job. Looking at my bank account hoping it never ends up in the negative. Oh, and let’s not mention my nonexistent love-life.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m blessed, but when you grow up and make it into adulthood there’s this vision you have of how wonderful adulthood would be and just knew would become a reality. My vision is starting to seem like it’s never going to manifest itself. I believed I had found myself in my twenties but with each year I got closer to reaching the age of 30 I started to feel unsure about everything and everyone, including myself.
I’d be lying If I said I felt great about being a year older, even though I hear these will be the best years of my life.
I look around at people younger than me, people that seem to be heading down the right path to happiness & success. They are in happy relationships, some even married with multiple children. Other’s have purchased their first home and landed a job that they can eventually retire from with amazing benefits. Then there’s me: a 30-year-old, single mother, living at home with a house full and working a job that I won’t have come next year. I ask myself, “Where did I go wrong?” “What piece of the puzzle am I missing?” I’m not sure there’s much of an answer to that.
Maybe my life took a turn when I ended my three and half year relationship, then ended up pregnant 6 months later. Before all of that came to an end, I felt like I was on the right track.
I was on my way to graduating ( I accomplished that) and I was getting to do what I loved (writing for a music publication/ EDM lifestyle blog), while also working a job I enjoyed. I was living on my own and in a happy relationship, doing things I normally wouldn’t do. I was with someone that had finally got me out of my comfort zone and loved me just how I was. My family loved him and I was getting pretty close to his. When he got sick again it only made us closer & I started to believe that maybe he was my future. I thought that we’d get married and have kids one day but things started to change. Oh and when the talk of marriage and kids came to play he had made it very clear that he wasn’t interested in that. Of course when I finally decided to end that relationship he tells me it was something he wanted. But it was too late and all the time I’ve spent apart from him I know he wasn’t the one.
During my moments of dwelling on what life would be like, I sometimes can’t help but wonder if I stayed with my ex and didn’t get pregnant would my writing career have already taken off the way I wanted or would I have at least stayed in Silicon Valley and got a full-time job at a tech company instead of the contract jobs I’ve been doing.
I don’t regret becoming a mom or ending my relationship but I can say it’s made life a bit harder than it would have been if I stuck to a plan. However, I can only look at where I am now and hope to reach the level of happiness & stability that I’ve always dreamed about. Part of that is trying to remind myself that my journey will never be the same or as easy as those I have come to admire. That although I’m not where I wanted to be at the age of 30 I can’t give up hope that I will get to where I want/need to be.