At a very young age my dad tried to teach me about trust. My father would say “Micky, trust no one.” He went on to ask me “Do you trust me?” I’d say, “Yes your my dad!” He’d look at me dead in my eyes and say
“I just told you not to trust anyone.”
Years have passed since my dad first gave me this advice, but I see how my life would be drastically different if I would of listened. I have been called gullible by many people who know me. Gullible, naive… dumb.
Just because I like to make sure everyone is on the same page, let’s define these words:
- easily persuaded to believe something; credulous.
- (of a person or action) showing a lack of experience, wisdom, or judgment.
- lacking intelligence or good judgment; stupid; dull-witted.
Recently I have been in multiple situations where my trust has been broken.
My friends tried to warn me, but I would say things like “He’d never hurt me”, “He’s different” “He’s real” and it would take everything I have in me to tell everyone that I was wrong. Me wrong again? I thought this time was different? I never was good with building trust as I’ve told you guys before. Why is that? Because I don’t want to be the person that makes people pay for everyone else’s mistakes. I would think “let me assume everyone is trustworthy until they prove me wrong.” But at this point I don’t think I have a trusting bone left in my body.
I met someone last month. I warned him of how damaged I am and I told him that it would take me a while to trust anyone… but in my mind I already did. He repeatedly told me over the course of a month “I’m not going anywhere” “I’m not going anywhere” and suddenly he wasn’t there anymore… he was gone just like the rest. All I could do was laugh and think to myself “that was short lived.” The people who talk the best game end up being he ones who hurt you the most. It’s funny, because at this point I feel numb. So much has happened to me in the last three years that I don’t even think the next thing would hurt me. I notice that I just laugh at things now. People are evil and it doesn’t surprise me.
You know what kind of people are real? The kind of people that you have done dirty and they forgive you and continue to support you, comfort you and talk to you when you need it. These people often get overlooked, but I see you. There are a few people, males and females, that have been there for me through so damn much. Even a couple people I haven’t treated the best. I would never play the victim. There has been a few people that trusted me wholeheartedly and I broke that trust by doing XYZ. I am just grateful they found it in them to forgive me and we were able to rebuild our relationship. I think I am cool with the circle I have now and I have no interest in adding anyone else. I don’t want to open the door for any drama or pain. Drama and pain ALWAYS seems to follow me, but I am on a new hype.
In my last post I mentioned how I am on a #NoFeelings hype. I have been trying hard not to get emotional about certain things and certain people. It’s hard because it’s in my nature to care hard and stress over irrelevant things. However, it’s time to stop. Today I found out that a friend I have had for the last 4 years deleted me from every form of social media. Why? This person is in a new relationship and that person’s significant other feels some way about me. Personally I would NEVER pick a boyfriend over a friend. That is like the most foul thing to me. You are throwing away a friendship for someone that you’ve known shorter than a sitcom? I was so furious when I realized this person deleted me. But then I realized that if someone wants to let you go you need to just let them. All you can do is pray for them and forgive them. When I say forgive them I don’t mean welcome them with open arms when their punk ass relationship falls through, but don’t hold a grudge and be hurt.
People always realize your worth when it’s too late.