Anxiety. The worst thing ever, but common among most young adults. Yesterday I started thinking about my future. I looked at my phone it was approximately 11:53 PM. I thought about my life in its entirety. Literally thoughts of my childhood, thoughts of college, my life currently and the future I dream of, all filled my head at once. I started to ask myself questions like can you really do it? Are you really going to be successful Michaela? The lack of the ability to confidently answer that question sent me into a whirl wind of panic and anxiety. All the negative comments anyone has ever told me played in my head like a song on repeat:
“You’ll never get into San Jose State, you might want to apply to SFSU or CSU Eastbay”
“You expect success to be handed to you without you working for it. That’s not going to happen”
“That’s you major? That’s very specific, you should have picked something more broad.”
After about 15 minutes of pure panic, I literally came back to reality. In my head there is a lot of different life paths I want to take. Let me break it down for you all:
- 50% of me wants to be a radio producer
- 30% of me wants to be an on air personality
- 20% of me wants to stay in promotions and eventually transition into public relations
These paths are all in the broadcasting realm, so I guess I am right where I need to be. Idk, I just want things to happen faster! I hate that I feel like I should have way more than I do right now. Every time I think about where I am as opposed to where I want to be it gets me all worked up and upset.
However, like I have said before, this Summer I plan on having more fun that I ever have and trying new things. Meanwhile, I still want to develop some strategic plans that will help me reach my goals. I have been looking into going to Graduate school. I probably do not need more education than a Bachelor’s for what I want to do, but observing all these crazy things happening in the world right now, I feel like more knowledge will do nothing but benefit me.
Going back to school is a big fear of mine. My last semester I completely lost focus and I just wanted to be done with school FOREVER. The thought of going back is exciting to me, but also scary. I have to get out of this fearful bubble I am living in. A lot of moves I haven’t made, because I am scared of the outcome.
Being ambitious and fearful are two conflicting emotions. My dreams and fears just end up battling in my head and it overwhelms me. I need to sit back and be thankful for what I have accomplished thus far. It is definitely a start, especially this recent job I was hired at (which I am loving and feel right at home at 🙂 ).
I have recently been meeting a lot of easy going and laid back people. Being around them and seeing how stress free they are makes me happy. I hope to transition into a laid back person over the course of this summer. My entire life I have tried to be a perfectionist and please everyone. I let my emotions get the best of me and drive me crazy, because I want everyone to think my life is perfect and 100% together. However, I now face the truth that my life is NOT 100% together and that is okay. I will continue to do as much as I can and seek help/ advice when I need it. I will also do something I forget sometimes… relax. I am so anxious that I rarely ever relax, but I promise I will start. I stress so much that my neck and back become stiff and uncomfortable and this is terrible! Massages are welcome lol jk. But seriously, there will be a difference in me and I know that if I put my mind to it I will change some old habits for the better.