Umm, I Don’t Know What To Call This

A couple months into working at my job, I heard my boss on a phone call in her office. She was clearly upset, crying and screaming and I started to feel really bad. At some point in her call she yelled out “IM DOING MY BEST!… IM DOING MY BEST!” That is exactly how I feel right now…

I have never been in a weirder space than the space I’m in right now. I have so much going on and honestly, I need to reset and figure out my priorities because it is starting to take a toll on me mentally and physically.

As most of you know I went through an unexpected break up at the end of January. After spiraling into a deep depression plus having to figure out my living situation in February, I am finally living alone for the first time in a cozy studio apartment. Although I am happy to be living alone, my new home is very expensive, so I am now back to working seven days a week like I was before COVID.

Working seven days a week is not easy. Knowing you have something to do literally every single day and not ever being able to ever sleep in sucks. Not to mention my work from home job has become more micromanagey in the past month after being super chill the last two years. I just want to be a full time writer so bad and its starting to frustrate me. I know a lot of creatives go through this, but lately it’s been hitting me hard.

In addition to working seven days a week, another new development is me having a therapist. When my ex broke up with me I knew I wasn’t going to be able to get through it alone, so I signed up for therapy. Getting a therapist has been the best decision I’ve made in a while. Although I still struggle with opening up about certain topics, I have worked on so many areas in my life. One of my latest focuses has been coping with loneliness. Living alone for the first time, being single and social media have had me feeling so shitty. The loneliness, plus depression from being so broke even though I’m working so much is just a terrible combination. All my time goes to working or Reckless Behavior and all my money goes to Reckless Behavior and bills. 

Because I’ve been feeling so consumed with work, I’ve tried to make time to do other things so I maintain a work life balance. I’ve been going on dates, going out, chillin with friends more, but doing all that means less sleep and less time for self care. The last two weeks especially I’ve been moving non stop and as a result I can barely move my neck. Whenever I am stressed out it all goes to my neck and shoulders. Even though I am in pain, I still keep a smile on my face and do what I have to do. I think I am about to get a chiropractor though, because even though this has happened to me before, it’s never lasted this long.

As a result of my loneliness, I have been co dependent on a few men who come around and fill the void. This temporary satisfaction I’ve been getting has recently proven to be even more detrimental to me, because my dumbass is attached and none of these people give a fuck about me. I keep telling myself that I will stop dating and focus on me. I delete the dating apps from my phone, stop responding to people and even spend a few days not engaging with any men. But its so hard to swear off dating when everyone in your life… on TV… on social media is happily in a relationship. Hope that doesn’t make me sound desperate, but I am just being honest. It makes me feel like something is wrong with me…  

Although I haven’t been able to stop dating completely, I have been working on doing more things alone and trying to find happiness from within. I have been journaling, cooking more and even going to dinner and to the bar alone- things I usually wouldn’t do unless someone is able to join me.  While I’ve been able to find some joy, it only lasts temporarily. I use all my therapy tools, meditate, plan self care activities and at the end of the day I still end up crying myself to sleep. It’s so annoying, because I have really been putting in the effort to work on myself. But maybe the perfectionist in me just wants to blink and be completely “fixed”. I also think a huge part of my downfall is the fact that I can’t stop comparing myself to the people in my life. Everytime I open a text or get a call, someone is engaged, just bought a house, pregnant or just paid off their student loans. Meanwhile here I am… alone AF, broke AF, busy AF, struggling AF, in pain AF. Don’t get me wrong, I am genuinely happy for everyone. I can be jealous, want more for myself and still celebrate everyone else’s accomplishments. I am only saying that, because someone told me that’s impossible, and anyone being jealous is a terrible friend. But fuck that, at least I’m honest. There is no hate in my heart at all. I just feel like why not me? Why am I so behind? 

The way I feel is weird, because I simultaneously have multiple people praising me, saying I inspire them and motivate them to accomplish their dreams. People are so proud of me and constantly rooting for me and supporting me, but my current lifestyle makes it so hard for me to be proud of myself. I want to be financially stable, I want to be writing full time, I want to be paid for my talent. And then there’s the people who have never done what I’ve done offering unsolicited advice on how I can “make it”, even though no one knows what I am doing behind the scenes to get my show and everyone involved seen by the right people. Then there’s the people who seek my mentorship, or the people who want to form new friendships because they are such fans of my work. As much as I want to connect with every single person and help everyone with their journey’s, it’s hard, because I am still figuring out my own. I never want to come off as unfriendly or like I have a chip on my shoulder to where people can’t approach me, but this shit requires so much energy, time and strategy that I just can’t afford to get distracted or spread myself too thin. I’ve been there, done that, and for the first time I have decided to be selfish and focus on Michaela. 

As I figure things out and make some necessary life changes, please continue to pray for me and support me. Although people think so highly of me, I still feel like such a mess and as usual, I never want to sell a false narrative. Yes, I’m very happy about Reckless Behavior and all my creative endeavors. But trying to create and still maintain a balanced healthy lifestyle is not for the weak. Most of the time I feel like I’m running around like a chicken with my head cut off. But even after everything I just said, I wouldn’t change it for the world.


One thought on “Umm, I Don’t Know What To Call This

  1. One thing to remember when seeing folks on social media happy is that it is only a snapshot of their life aka a moment. They could be showing up happy in that pic and be miserable.

    Like

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