I still cry sometimes when I think of you.
When I wrote the email. When I signed the deal.
You’ve never let me settle. Never let me see myself as less than we both knew I was.
I still wish to share my wins with you.
To see your face light up when I share the good news.
Hear you cheer me on and then talk to me like my homegirl. “Period poo!”
Laugh about the times I stressed over the little things only for God to use them to grow me. Just for everything to work out exactly how I said it would.
Tell you about God. Big God up for you.
Read proverbs because I begged you and think and grow rich again cause you wanted me.
I miss getting drunk and doing dance routines.
Sliding to the wall in our socks while you make fun of me for not reaching it.
Colliding and then falling to the floor like kids.
Spending days at your house and being there when you got home.
You coming home to me.
Sitting in silence in awe, watching you work, and keep working.
I miss the business talks. Watching put-call videos and cuddling.
The different perspectives on life.
You were the manifestation of everything I said I wanted.
Everything I thought I deserved.
Just a tad bit over the bare minimum.
Thank you though.
Because even though you gave me all I felt I needed, you showed me I deserve much more.
Sometimes I wish I could be like the other girls and still be your friend.
But I learned I can never be friends with a man who once had me.
I love my friends too deeply.
I can’t give half.
I care, or I don’t.
And continuing to give you everything while you gave what you could is a mistake I’ve made far too many times.
So what do I do?
Miss you even though I know you’d answer anytime I call.
Miss you even though the plans we discussed are unfolding right before my eyes.
Although you’re out of sight.
I still can’t get you out of mind.
So I just sit and think.
Sit and reminisce.
Read the letters, hoard the photos, laugh at the videos.
I miss you.
But I’d rather miss you than settle for you just because you’re what I had.
Cause I can always have more.