I’m Not Bitter, I’m Mad As Hell

It was January 27th. This was the official day I was supposed to move out of California. I was so sad that my trip had to be pushed back a week, because I was ready to start my new life. I fought the urge to see it as a sign, because I was attempting to move during a pandemic, so of course there would be setbacks.

I am a very light sleeper, so I usually put my phone on Do Not Disturb. However, I have it set to where my saved contacts can still get through. He woke me up, but I didn’t even care. I was just happy to hear his voice.

The conversation started off normal. How are you? How was your night? I love you…

But then I heard the words “We are breaking up”…

I thought it was a joke. There was NO WAY that this man was breaking up with me less than a week before I was supposed to move across the country to be with him. As he fed me “it’s not you, it’s me” and explained how he suddenly wanted to be alone and independent, I felt like I was in the middle of a nightmare. HOW COULD HE DO THIS TO ME? I had signed away my apt, sold and gotten rid of half my things, told my friends, family, job about the move… After listening to all the sociopathic bullshit he was spewing, I begin to go from sad to mad as hell. I said “You know all the things I’ve been through. But despite all the men who cheated on me and did me wrong NO ONE has ever compromised my living situation. You ruined my life.” He kept saying “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I tried” and I kept thinking I was going to wake up any minute now.

He told me hadn’t loved me since May. But since that time I had stayed with him for a month, spent lots of time around his daughter and discussed future plans. Months prior I had asked him what did he saw as a realistic timeline for us and he told me if things keep going As GoOd As ThEy ArE he sees himself proposing in the beginning of 2022 and us getting married by the end of the year. We discussed children, our dream house and so many other plans for the future. So WHY? Why lead somebody on if you didn’t want to be with them? Why discuss in detail everything you “want”? He told me he did it, because in a relationship that was going how ours was all those things would logically be the next steps… that fuckin bastard.

I kept my relationship completely private until recently and I still ended up looking like a fool. This past week has been a mess. I can’t even mope, because I had to figure out my housing situation (thank God my apt complex is allowing me to continue to live here, despite them finding a new tenant), cancel my plane ticket, call PG&E and Xfinity to turn my services back on, let my job know I won’t be moving after all and explain what happened to my family and friends who have been sending me constant encouragement and asking for updates.

The main thing that has been making me mad as hell is walking around my half empty apt. My comfortable couch, my favorite dresser, my perfect desk that I found for cheap on Facebook Marketplace is all gone… I am surrounded by all these moving boxes, because apart of me is still in denial. Unpacking my things is full acceptance that my relationship is over… I have to move on… I will not be leaving California.

Please pray for me. This was my longest relationship and I am hurting. This hits different, because I viewed the person I was with as not only my boyfriend, but a friend and a mentor. I thought that if anything changed, he would communicate. Not wait until the plan to move (which was his idea by the way) was fully in motion. The most annoying part of it all is I’ve asked multiple times “How are you feeling about us?” “Are you happy?” “Is there anything I can do differently?” “How do you feel about me moving?” and he always assured me everything was good and he couldn’t wait for us to take the next step in our relationship. There were SO many opportunities for him to tell me the truth… for him to leave… for him to be a decent fucking human being. I was able to process my past relationships differently, because there were ALWAYS so many red flags that I ignored. However, this is different, because I was in a presumably healthy and loving relationship. I saw no signs of things ending or going left which is scary as fuck to me.

I know that this happening to me will change me forever. What is love? What is trust? I don’t know if I will ever be able to believe in those things. Pray for me, send me some positive vibes and ladies please be careful, because men really be out here living a whole lie for no reason. I have been sick to my stomach and as much as I fear being in this position down the line, it also makes me paranoid af for other women.

I didn’t deserve this. No one does. Well, back to listening to Heaux Tales. And no I’m not bitter, I’m mad as HELL!

– An Angry Black Woman


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