For Ash

On your darkest days
and on the days
where you are not too
fond of yourself
just remember.
You are not alone. 

On the days
where you
beat yourself up
for loving someone
who treated you like shit.

The times that you contemplate
going back to them.
Just for a second.
Just for a penis
just for a hug 
just to avoid being lonely.
You are not alone. 

I let my ex
come over to my house recently.
To tell me sweet things
and cuddle me
and make me feel warm
as well as engaging in phenomenal
sexual activities.

Soon after I realized
that I gave away more
than I wanted to. 

For the days when
I ask myself
what the fuck is wrong with me?
Why can’t I just stop?

Why can’t I 
just not think about him? 

Why am I 
wasting these tears on him? 
I’m a bad bitch!

In the moments
I hurt myself 
thinking about him.
Again
moments that I hate myself
because I know I’m better.
But then a part of me
feels like
this is the best that I can get. 

The part of me
that feels like
this is what I deserve
because
I always wasn’t a perfect person. 

I didn’t
always have my shit together.
I used to hand out fake smiles as gifts. 


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