For most of my life I had always been the girl that had a boyfriend. Having a guy was like having my favorite accessory on and when I didn’t have it I felt like something was missing. When one guy left there was always another waiting close by. I was boo’d up so much that when I finally did become single, people found it hard to believe that I wasn’t entertaining anyone. I found it hard to believe I wasn’t entertaining anyone. I never thought the day would come where I completely swore off men.
For awhile I tried to stop dating and it was fun. I felt free, in control and I was obligated to no one. The whole idea of seeing who and doing what I wanted was fun and all until I began spending a chunk of my time with one person, hoping that eventually the dating would turn into something more exclusive. Instead I kept coming across boys who weren’t ready to commit. The kind of boys who were never straight forward about not wanting to be serious but wanting me to focus on no one but them. Instead they’d do everything one in a relationship would do until eventually their true colors showed. I don’t even want to tell you guys about the time I spent 3 years of my life talking to this one guy on and off. His favorite line was always, “one day,” and the day never came. What I got instead was a guy who wanted his cake and to eat multiple women’s too, but would also jump down my throat if I tried to move onto someone new.
Eventually I did move on, coming across guys I had faith in; faith to not be complete assholes and honest about how they were feeling and who they were seeing. Failure kept coming again and again until I finally decided I’d rather give up dating all together. For 6 years I’ve been single, as in no relationship with an official title on it, for almost 3 years I’ve given up dating and If we add sex into the equation I’ve basically been celibate for 2 years (if we aren’t counting that one time I slipped up). I’ve tried to entertain the thought of dating again, but I have absolutely no interest or faith in the world of love. The trouble you have to go through of first meeting someone, then deciding if they are worth going out is already too much. Then having to go through the process of finding out if they’re a prince or the frog, I’m over!
I sometimes wonder if it’s bad that I no longer want to date or care if I don’t meet a man until I’m 50. Have I gotten to the point where I’m way too happy to be to myself? I remember the days I would jump when an attractive guy wanted to make me smile and spend time with me. Now I roll my eyes and feel disgusted inside. I don’t even get aroused anymore or have the energy to entertain anyone’s sexual advances.
Dating isn’t for everyone and I realized I’m one of those people and I’m okay with that. I don’t mind being the single girl in the room. I don’t need to have a guy around to feel like I’m attractive or to bring some joy into my life; something I used to think in the past. Being single for as long as I have has shown me how I would let relationships cloud my judgement, lower myself as a woman and keep me from finding myself. I was the girl that would settle for whatever and when men approach me, including those from my past, I think they still see me as the girl who will settle for anything; the girl that is easy. I’d rather spend my time learning who I am as a woman, accomplishing things I thought I couldn’t, focusing on my career and being a mom.
Maybe one day I’ll date again and find my person but for now I want to enjoy life they way I feel is right.