Not many people can tell you the day that their life changed for the better. Me on the other hand, was the day my daughter was born. The moment that I knew she was my child something inside of me changed instantaneously. I no longer felt like a free little bird flying across the open skies enjoying the thrill of it. I felt my very soul attach to this little person and my life no longer mattered to me at all. My life purpose, goal, and meaning in was to give this little girl anything she wanted and to make her happy. Those around me would always tell me since she was born that I’ve changed for the better like I had purpose. The main person who noticed and exploited my greatest strength and weakness was my daughter’s mother.
Our relationship was always something that seemed like a drama filled hood movie on BET. Nothing was ever simple. Everything was complicated, drama filled, and spread like cancer. Her mother would make demands that were outrageous, and one sided. She always wanted to use our daughter as a controlling aspect. She wanted to control who was around our daughter, time spent around our daughter, and even the environment that she could be around. All these rules and guidelines that she made for me she would never inflict on herself though it almost seemed like she would purposely do the opposite simply to cause issues. After all of that came the unnecessary limitless lies that would be over the smallest thing. She would lie about what she did, where she was, plans that she made, reasons why I couldn’t do what I planned. It never stopped.
As our daughter started to grow there were things that she started learning that we never thought she would notice. She wanted to know why her parents were not living together in the same house which she thought was normal. I would always have to explain to her that even though her mother and I were not together in a relationship that we still focused on the same goal. The hardest part about that was that even though I wanted that to be true, it was obvious that we weren’t. Her mother always seemed to try to paint me as the bad guy to our daughter and those around. I would always spend the most amount of time that I could with my daughter and provide financially. Her mother would still spread rumors and lies that I wasn’t doing either of those and that she was doing everything by herself. These things never really bothered me because those close to me would see the sacrifices that I was making to provide for my daughter. Nothing that I could ever do was ever good enough in her mothers’ eyes and yet anything that she did made her seem like Mother Theresa. She was painting a false image of herself and demonizing me like I was a young black youth on Fox News.
As time went by those who were in her mother’s circle were starting to see that this painting that she was creating, was fake. They were no longer reaching out and speaking to her and would contact me with anything regarding our daughter. It got so serious to the point that my daughter’s grandparents had a sit down with me and were willing to help me get full legal and physical custody of our daughter. Unfortunately, I had signed up to join the military so that I could provide more for my daughter and was unable to do that at that moment.
Before I left for the military I was in a new relationship with an amazing woman that not only loved me but my daughter as well. She was helping me put together the missing gaps and subtleties that only a woman could provide. There was never any true drama or issues between my baby mama and my then girlfriend but that all changed when they met in person. I had told my baby mama beforehand that I was in a new relationship, but I guess she never really thought that my girlfriend would be as fine as she is. As soon as she saw her in person all hell broke loose she started disrespecting her and me from then on.
I eventually ended up marrying her and believe me it still hasn’t stopped. The difference is my wife being the beautiful chocolate goddess that she is did what all great people do, she rose above it. She would kill her with kindness, ignore her, or simply shut her down through actions and rarely words. I thank my ancestors that things have never gotten violent between them and my wife continues to be the most amazing woman and role model in our daughter’s life. My wife has shown me that toxic people do exist and the inner demons that they have with themselves can grow and multiply within others. You probably are saying in your head, “shut up bruh and just get down to the meat of it, are you still having issues with your baby mama or nah?” The answer is unfortunately yes, but I have learned that just like any other problem that has ever existed a strong black woman can fix and correct that problem with ease.