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Happy Valentine’s Day and welcome back to another segment of The She Series! 

Today is the year anniversary of my poetry book, The Diary of She and I couldn’t be more excited about it. The reason I decided to release my book on Valentine’s day was 1) I wanted to turn the holiday I can’t stand into a day I’ll always love 2) Everyone that knows me knows I’ve always been a hopeless romantic that hasn’t had the best luck with love but still refuses to give up on it, SO why not have my book come out on a day that’s meant for love.

With that said, I won’t give you the journey behind this poem entry because it speaks for itself. I hope you enjoy.

DEAR DIARY,

Today was a day of reflecting and appreciating. As I sat in
bed looking out the window at the clear blue sky and the
trees dancing in the wind I began to reflect on the girl I
once had the pleasure of knowing.

She always had on a smile that lit the night sky. Her laugh
could be heard miles away, and there was a sparkle in her
eyes whenever you talked to her about life. A white light
followed her everywhere she went and radiated onto
those in her presence. You could see she was full of
confidence and she had dreams she couldn’t wait to bring
to life.

But, something happened to her along her journey…
Maybe, it started with the first guy she allowed to come
into her life and ruin her outlook on love. It might have
been the guy who told her she’d be “nothing” without
him but just another girl on a hit list. It could have been
the guy who repeatedly called her out of her name and
claimed that was the only way he knew how to love. Or
was it the men who used her, cheated on her, and then
walked away as if she hadn’t put so much time into
making them work?

Whatever it was, the situation created a different person.
That person turned out to be me.

I was led to believe I was as “worthless” as they said, “useless” and
“unattractive.” Insecurity tagged along to every class, job,
and event in my life. I could hear people talking and feel
them staring. Are they talking about me? Did they hear about
my past, and now, they’re judging without getting to know me first?

It kind of broke me.

Years and years of thinking I’d forever be alone. No one
to hug on a cold’s winter night and no one to share my
accomplishments or even failures with. I spent years
thinking if I continued to jump into these dysfunctional
relationships that I’d find the one in the mist of all the
chaos. It took me being alone to recognize that I was
contributing to the madness.

That leaves me here with a pencil in my hand, letting my
emotions flow onto this piece of paper, appreciating the
time I’ve spent alone learning how to truly love myself. I
appreciate those times I curled up in my bed and cried a
river. I appreciate the men I’ve encountered because the
madness led me down the path of finding my own
happiness.

-Sydney Reneé

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