Today was such an awful day for me that I don’t know what else to do but write. The first reason is work. I have been at this new job for like three months now and I like it a lot, but I have a lot of responsibilities and everything is very tedious. I have way more responsibilities here than I had at my previous job. I haven’t really gotten chewed out by my boss when I make a mistake, but it always makes me feel like a failure. I have notes on all my tasks and have been trained properly so why am I making mistakes? I hate making mistakes, it upsets me the entire day and it makes me feel incompetent. As much as I try to stop desiring to be perfect I still lust for it everyday. Whenever one of my superiors approaches me about something I did wrong I feel shitty AF. I just can’t help it.
In addition to that I got called out today. I basically asked someone for work out advice and I said that I would start working out yesterday. I also said that I would start eating healthy, but I didn’t start working out and today I went to Wendy’s. Why? Because I’m lazy to make it plain. I basically got called a hypocrite (which is pretty accurate) and then I started making excuses. So work in addition to that argument just has me feeling terrible. To be honest, I complain about a lot of things and make no effort to fix them. I always get mad when people do that, but I do the same thing. If I didn’t feel like a failure already today I sure do now. I just hope that I can do a better job at work and stop contradicting myself in general. Now that I realize how many contradictions I make, I feel disappointed in myself.
Because I haven’t posted in a while, I am just going to update you guys on everything topic by topic. A lot has happened in this past month, so I’m sorry in advance for this long ass post!
When I last posted I was adamant on moving out and getting my own place. I was sick of dealing with my family’s shenanigans and I was planning to piece up with some friends or find somewhere cheap for myself. Now I have come back to reality and I see that I should just stay home. As much as being home annoys me, I know that moving out will just put myself in an even bigger struggle so why should I do that? I wanted to be out by 25 so bad and I felt like I’ll be a loser if I am still home at that age, but honestly it is what it is. Especially in California, finding somewhere affordable in a decent neighborhood is just not likely and I am not trying to live in the hood. So at this point I am just going to focus on stacking my money. I’ll move out when the time is right.
I have officially come out about having a boyfriend and I am super happy about it. This man is different from anyone I have ever met and we just vibe so well. It all started from a DM 7 months ago and I didn’t think it was going to get this serious but it did. For the first time I feel confident that my relationship is going to last and I can see myself growing with him. Long distance isn’t easy, but for him I am doing it and more than willing.
CAREER MOVES AND SETBACK
The person I have been working with ended up disappointing me in a major way. He promised to teach me and mentor me and it ended up not even happening. I guess that’s my fault for believing that someone would really want to help me. At this point I’m starting to lean more toward writing than my radio producer dreams. I am still passionate about both, but I just feel a little discouraged at the moment. I am still Managing Editor of CSUITEMUSIC.com and that is going great! I have hundreds of writing samples from there and here combined so I just want to stay consistent. I think that I could definitely find employment in writing at this point, but I just want to focus on my full time job right now. I know that I am back tracking a little, but at this point I want to save save save so I can live a little more comfortably. I know that if I stay focused and put in more effort at my new job I can continue to get raises and speed up the process of moving out. At this job a lot of people have reassured me that they reward you when you deserve it, so making more money is all on me.
MY BIRTHDAY IS NEXT MONTH
Next month I turn 25. Everyone is asking me what plans I have, but honestly I probably won’t do anything. I could do a club thing, but that doesn’t even sound appealing to me. Honestly I just wish someone would buy me a plane ticket so I could be with my boyfriend on my birthday. But that isn’t going to happen, so I’ll probably just do dinner with the fam. Regardless I am grateful to have lived another year. And I must say, 2017 was way better to me than 2016.
PREPPING FOR 2018
Next year I want to completely switch up my wardrobe. I have no idea how I want to switch it up, but I just feel like I need a more mature wardrobe at this point. I mean I am about to be 5 years away from 30 LOL. I also plan on doing something different to my hair, but for that to happen my damn edges need to grow back. I go through this cycle of burning them out and I can’t do that anymore. To make sure I don’t use a flat iron I gave mine to my sister and had her hide it. It has been rough laying my hair down with edge control and gel, but I know it will pay off in the long run. Another thing I want to do is be more honest, because I have gotten a lot better, but sometimes I still make little white lies when I don’t want to do something. I want to get to a point where I am not lying at all, because why should anyone lie? I want to truly treat others how I would like to be treated and I hate when people lie to me so I have to stop completely, even the “small” lies. I am also trying to become more of an informed person. I realize that a lot of things are happening in the world and I am completely uninformed, because I don’t read much or watch the news. In 2018 I want a lot more books, home cooked meals and projects in the mix. I want to continue networking, being honest and staying true to myself and everything else will fall in to place. Since being with someone who lives in a less expensive area I have definitely explored the idea of moving out of California. However, before that happens I plan to take advantage of my current network as much as possible. A lot of people know me now, I have gotten my followers up and I have helped as many people as I can a long the way. Next year is for sure my year. No more excuses and setbacks.
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Never let go of the dream