Earlier this month I gave an update on how I’m doing. However, it is almost August and things have changed drastically.
Last month I filmed one episode of season 2 of Reckless Behavior The Series. After not filming anything since season 1 production ended last November, it felt so damn good to be back in my zone. I feel a lot more seasoned as an actor and director, my scripts are fire and it was finally time to bring my vision to life. Day one went great and I could tell everyone was super excited to be apart of this journey with me. We started to prepare for the next episode and of course Coronavirus cases started to spike…
As California started to become a hot spot and the governor announced that some of the places that had been approved to open would be closing again, everyone started to worry including myself. With about 20 people in my cast plus our production team of about six people, filming started to seem like a foolish idea. I ignored my doubts, but as I observed some of my actors out of the state on vacations, some at parties, some out and about with no masks, I made the decision to pause production until it is safe to resume.
This was one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever had to make. The creative in me wanted to continue so bad. It was like the devil on my shoulder was saying “You have amazing scripts, amazing actors and an amazing production team all ready to go! Why would you let a little pandemic stop you?!” But the logical, empathetic person I am was like no, you need to be a responsible leader and put everyone’s safety before your project. After a few days of going back and forth with myself and considering the pros and cons, I let everyone know that we were going to stop filming.
I made this decision July 9th and ever since that day I’ve felt so depressed and unmotivated. I was supposed to start filming in June and be done in November like I planned! The world was supposed to see season two in January of 2021, a year later than season 1 was released to stay consistent like “real” shows. I beat myself up for days until I realized how ridiculous it was to blame myself for something completely out of my control. So many people have noticed my change in energy and suggested I just continue to film and put protective measures in place, but regardless of any protective measures (which me and my team have thoroughly brainstormed) I know deep down the only way to keep everyone safe is to not film. If anyone got sick or died at the expense of my project, I would never be able to forgive myself.
It is now Thursday, July 23rd. I went grocery shopping on Sunday, but ever since then I have been in the house. All I have been doing is working from home Monday through Friday, cooking and watching TV. I started my workout journey in May and had gotten into the habit of working out 3 to 4 times a week at the park behind my house, but now that I am not filming anymore, I have lost the momentum. Working eight hours, then working out (two things I don’t necessarily enjoy) just to come home and think of how I can’t film? Not to be dramatic, but it sucks feeling like I have nothing to look forward to. In order to feel a tad productive, I started brainstorming other creative projects and I even created some outlines. I came up with some dope shit, but honestly my desire to film season two of RBTS is all I can think about. I hate feeling like I have unfinished business, you know? I’m going to force myself to get over it though, because I know that I am very blessed and there are people with “real” problems. I’m just not used to making a plan and not being able to execute it. I had no idea how unfulfilled I would feel, but it’s all good. Once this madness is over, I will be back and better than ever!
Another thing that’s led me to feeling indifferent right now is the uncertainty of the direction I am going creatively. I built my brand off writing about the shenanigans and obstacles I faced after graduating from college in 2015. I felt the need to share, because I wanted other millennials and hell, people in general, to know they weren’t alone and they could overcome anything regardless of previous reckless behavior. Now it is 2020 and I am a completely different person. I could continue to share past reckless behavior, but I feel like there needs to be a shift in my brand, because I’m not the same young and naive woman anymore. When I started my blog I was a 22 year old college graduate, living at home with her parents, working a minimum wage office job and getting manipulated by losers left and right. Now I am a wiser, independent 27 year old entrepreneur/ filmmaker who is in a much better place mentally. Please bare with me as I try to figure this out. I’m not sure what direction my brand will go, but I promise I will continue to motivate and inspire you in some way, shape or form. I know this was a long one, but I really just needed to get all this off my chest. Thank you for reading.
A Frustrated and Emotional Creative