Maintain or Sustain

I find myself thinking about how we manage friendships and our significant others and to be quite honest I find that somehow we have normalized putting friendships on the back burner as if they are not relationships that we need to maintain. That boyfriends/ girlfriends somehow come into our lives and it automatically means that we have to step back in order for our friends to groom and build those relationships without realizing that when we do this, we are causing a distance between friendships.

None of these things ever occurred to me until I got older and realized that I was being a good friend to all of those in my life even in the middle of my relationships. My significant others had a clear understanding that these are my people and I will come to their aid when necessary and I need support when doing so or this won’t work. This was understood whether or not they were fond of my friends or not. But as I took a step back when I chose to be single, I noticed that it was not the same way for me. People got in relationships and became unreachable or were in bad relationships and unable to speak freely because of their toxic partner’s actions. If I was hurt and needed to vent, I was not texted or called back. And if I was responded to it was basically a write off or a “Well that’s on you” and then the end of the conversations. It often turned in nature into a conversation about them and their spouses that they somehow felt was more important than what I had going on and I was obligated to listen. So all together I stopped speaking unless spoken to and normally I was only spoken to when they were in a moment of crisis and needed something. Whether it be an ear to listen, or something material wise. So I said EFFFFF that. Ya’ll got me messed up and I made it clear do not call me when it’s convenient for you because I won’t ever answer again. But when I began to make it clear to not call me ONLY when you want to complain or vent about a person that they were ALLOWING to do them wrong by accepting the behavior and because I was choosing within myself not to watch friends continue to damage themselves in terrible relationships or just rid me off no matter the nature of their relationships then I became the problem. It became almost comical to think that friends have normalized being so shitty to one another and will get upset with you for expecting more from people who call themselves friends or even placing boundaries on the level of bs you are willing to take.

All in all I’ve learned that sometimes friendships are some of the most toxic relationships we hold and if we do not set boundaries or make ourselves less available to allow less then we will never have a circle of people who are genuinely meant for our support and growth. I think that it is necessary to look at the people in your circle and ask yourself are these people charging you with life or draining you? And if you come to find that they are doing more harm than goo,d it’s time to make changes no matter how long you’ve held these relationships.


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