These days dating for me is pretty nonexistent. In every direction I turn, I see red flags coming at me. It’s the quickest way to send me running back to my safe place. I used to stick around to see where things would go, even after having all the flags thrown in my face. That was probably the biggest mistake on my part because dating all this potential only left me with some fucked up baggage and views of the opposite sex.
Today I’m not here to talk about that though. Instead I’m going to talk about the man who made it impossible for the ones who came after him.
Not every relationship comes with red flags, at least not until it’s coming to an end and for a good two and a half years I can honestly say we had zero. When he first came into the picture I wasn’t sure about him, I had no idea who he was, although it was very clear that he knew me. Out of the blue he started liking my pictures and sending me messages on Facebook. Usually, I’d ignore any guy talking to me on social media (for the most part I still do) and the fact that he wasn’t black had me wondering if he actually liked black girls. Anyways I ignored those thoughts and started talking to him almost daily, especially once I found out we were attending the same university and my cousin told me he was a good dude.
This is where the green flags started coming into play.
We had been speaking for at least 3 or 4 months before I even let him hear my voice or see my face. Every time he asked to call me I would make up excuses as to why I couldn’t talk, but we’d continue to text. Most men would have said, this bitch playing, and then moved on with their lives, but he was different. He respected my boundaries, was patient and clearly interested. He continued to show his interest in me until I was finally comfortable enough to answer that phone. Not only was he patient throughout getting to know me, but he remained consistent.
When I’m asked what is it that I’m not receiving from men and need, my answer is always consistency. It’s one of the most important factors in deciding if I’m going to continue to pursue a relationship with someone. Everything a man did to get my attention in the beginning should be continued once he receives it. I’m not sure why guys feel they have to stop trying once they get you, but let me tell you, guys it’s not the way to go. It’s the quickest way for me to walk out the door.
With his consistency also came certainty. It was obvious that he was sure he wanted to be with me: not for fun but for real. Most guys see a beautiful woman and that is it; they have no clue where they want the relationship to go or if they want to have a relationship at all. He claimed me from the beginning and there was no doubt in his mind that I wouldn’t be his. He didn’t string me along and once he got a hold of me he didn’t let me go. I remember going to Vegas with my family one Christmas and he said to me when you get back we are finally going to spend time together. I took a chance and the night I got back from Vegas I drove to San Jose. From that point on we became inseparable and eventually I moved right on in. When I moved in, he already had two roommates and he basically told them this is my girl and she’s here to stay, if you have a problem talk to me about.
The man had goals and no matter what he was going through physically or mentally, nothing stopped him from achieving them. Till this day I admire who he is as a person, even though we no longer speak. Not only did he have goals for himself, but he always found ways to keep me motivated and helped me get out of my comfort zone. Anyone that knows me knows I’m a homebody and super antisocial. He was the complete opposite and I think that’s what really attracted me to him. It was what I needed to help me grow and see there’s more to life than just work and more work. When I complained about gaining weight, instead of ignoring my complaining he said this is what we are going to do… he got the videotapes, the gym membership and us bikes, so we could get healthy together. These days I ask guys for some help in the exercise department and I get hit with a, “What/who you trying to lose weight for?” and nothing more.
I could go on and on about the ways he showed me he cared for and made it clear he wanted to be with me. That was one of my first real adult relationships and it’s pretty much been my last. We lived together, shared quality time with not just each other, but our family and friends. We cried together and went through some really tough shit. We laughed, danced and went on many adventures. This was the first person to show me what it truly meant to be loved and not just lusted.
Now all the green flags I took from that relationship has nearly made it impossible to get into another. Sometimes it bothers me, but then I stop and appreciate everything he showed me and taught me, because now I no longer settle. I have boundaries and that’s all thanks to him.
Next time someone like him comes around, I’ll be ready.