This Is Self Reflection

Once ego checks itself things become much easier: this is self reflection.

I was able to see for the first time.

Feel and connect in ways that are unexplainable to the human languages. 

Everything that I’ve ever known has been disintegrated into tiny pieces.

Dust now and everything that l have ever wanted l am finally getting it in ways l once again can’t explain right now. 

Relationships are being ended, extended and rearranged. 

I found myself doing a moral inventory on all my long term relationships and treating the chapters as a business projection: 

Asking questions like; how have we grown in X amount of years? 

What’s the profit margin looking like? 

Have we gained anything? 

Did we not make money, not meet our goals?

And why.

One of the biggest things that I realized was that I enabled toxic behavior patterns.

Ego let me use my trauma and bad behavior patterns as an excuse to find a way to get used to the pain.

Convincing myself that this was normal and it’s just life now. 

So instead of investing in ways to completely get rid of it and call it out and look at it face-to-face.

I enabled ways to become OK with it and to get used to it if not avoid it. 

Here’s a healing joke: 

How can you come out of it without dealing with it? 

– To convince yourself that it’s OK

I could not stop laughing because this is rich AF and so very true.

A part of my enabling behavior was giving the trauma/bad behavior patterns an excuse.

Maybe they don’t know… maybe they didn’t do it on purpose…

Well because I know that they’re struggling at home right now, I just want them to feel better when they’re spending time with me, so I looked the other way.

Well maybe because he didn’t have a good example he doesn’t know how to proceed…

I found ways to convince myself that it was OK because I knew that they could possibly be hurting. 

Most if not all of my long term relationships began over trauma bonding. 

To connect over the fucked up things that happened to us. 

Some of those relationships now have healed over time changing the original bond dynamic and some have stayed in the same loop we once were in. 

I took one for the team by silencing my voice. 

I laughed when I felt uncomfortable and smiled to avoid questions.

Hospitality showed up and I didn’t make it about me. 

I served in ways to make the other persons more comfortable. 

I am evolving and there is no looking back now.

I got sick of my own shit and decided to clean it up. 

I was not my best self when I was not being a good friend due to my enabling behavior. 

I did not hold up my end of the friendship agreement which was to one, self reflect and two,  ensure that the other person is the absolute best version of themselves. 

I encouraged and preached one thing while allowing the complete opposite due to the comfort in bad behavior patterns…these toxic coping skills.

My word started to lose credit as well as my internal authentication card was deteriorating. 

My integrity, it was fading. 

I now require something that I never have before in relationships all across the board. 

Any interaction with another human being professional and personal. 

Self awareness. 

Integrity. 

Mindfulness just to name a few. 

In order to be a part of my new tribe these things are nonnegotiable no matter how long I’ve known you, how much I love you and how bad it hurts. 

The pain that I felt otherwise has been much more detrimental than the peace that I feel protecting myself. 

The pain of losing something or missing out does not exist. It does not live here anymore. 

The joy and excitement of receiving everything that I’ve ever wanted occupies my being and days. 

I’m too excited to be worried or stressed about something that is not in my control. 

I trust me more.


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