For the first time in years, I’ve found myself genuinely happy. Usually my happiness would be connected to a person, place, or tangible thing. It was based on how good life was around me. It wasn’t based around me being the primary source for my happiness. That has been my biggest lesson on my spiritual journey and awareness of self. You can’t find the happiness you desire in others, you have to exude that yourself.
After a series of toxic relationships, I just grew to believe that happiness is temporary. I didn’t feel like I was worthy of being happy. So much to the point that I would detach whenever someone gave me too much affection. I would literally pull away because I felt guilty for being happy. I felt like me being happy didn’t fit into the narrative of my life. So to experience it so immensely was terrifying. Plus, my exes never made me feel secure in that happiness. It would be another argument, another issue, or something that I did to ruin that moment.
My past experiences as a person and lover don’t determine my worth. For so long I questioned my worth, which made me question my happiness. The mistakes from life, past lovers, and myself haunted me whenever I felt I was too happy. At one point, I began to think I was a screw up; when truthfully, no one owed me happiness. I owed that too myself. It just would have been nice for me to prioritize mine how I did theirs. My journey back to self has proven that I always had happiness. It was just me realizing that I make my definition of happiness. No matter how it’s defined in a book, everyone has their perspective of how it should look and feel. Now that I’m learning myself, I’ve realized that I’m allowed genuine happiness. It isn’t something that I have to plan out or make happen—its a state of being. I can’t feel guilty about a basic human emotion and state of mind.
I refuse to spend anymore time downplaying how I feel to play into an expired narrative of myself. Despite any decisions I may have made—I’m worthy. So nah, I’m not letting anyone make me feel that my emotions aren’t valid or unworthy of being seen by others. I’m also not downplaying when something major happens in my life so I don’t upset others. As a new year starts, I’m looking forward to smiling more, laughing more, and allowing myself grace in situations. I can’t control everything in my world, but I can continue to be happy for the experiences that make me who I am.
Queen Media Collective 