There’s a point in every person’s life where they ask themselves “Who am I?” There’s a time when they start evaluating why certain things happen, why they are in the position they are in and what they are doing wrong. I have been doing this for the past month. While I am trying not to be so hard on myself, it’s just in my nature.
This week was going good, but it took a turn last night. I am once again sitting here feeling sorry for myself. It never ends! With my personal life being in disarray it makes it stressful to work so many days and so many hours. I never thought I’d be where I am right now; an unhappy, confused, workaholic. That’s what I truly feel like.
I feel like my life truly needs a “shake up” with completely new everything and a fresh start. This week I did do something I’ve wanted to do for years. I changed my cellphone number. I am 24 and I had that phone number since I was 14 years old. So many people would message me, call me and play on my phone that I just didn’t want to deal with any of it anymore. Therefore, I changed my number and only gave it to a select few. I am happy I did this and I am happy that I can be more selective of who I give my number to moving forward. In addition, I am still going to the gym, which is now habitual. I like this new stress reliever I have acquired and I feel like I am starting to see results.
My main focus right now is the grind and social interactions. The quality of my social life is starting to diminish slowly but surely. I play the victim in a lot of situations which isn’t cool. I didn’t realize that I do this until recently. I try to force my point down someone’s throat that I don’t stop for five seconds to hear them out. I have also become the type of person that is “in denial” which is even more embarrassing. In my head I stay thinking “Why is this person coming for me? I didn’t do anything wrong, it’s not me it’s you.” But in actuality a lot of situations… okay most situations I get myself in are because of one person’s actions… mine. Being insecure, selfish and inattentive has been causing drama and conflict that I am sick of. Therefore, I am currently creating an action plan to save myself from losing people. I have been upsetting people who care about me most and that is unfortunate.
Now let’s discuss the grind. I honestly am sick of everything I am doing. I just want to do what I love OMG. I am slowly but surely starting to not care about money anymore. Although this crazy life has enabled me to save and do amazing things, I am over it. I am over getting hectic phone calls about needing someone to work. Work work work work work *In my RiRi voice*. Yes I do fun things, but most of the time it is the chicken with my head cut off feeling. I am really going to use my Vegas vacation to evaluate, think and relax. I haven’t had an entire week off from work in a long time, so I know I’ll be able to really sort things out.
Where do I want to work? What do I want to refrain from doing? What needs more attention? What are my priorities and why? All things that I feel I need to figure out. I feel like I have plans and goals that look good on paper, but in reality I am standing in the same spot not moving or progressing. Stagnant…
I don’t want to be pessimistic and say that my life is a disaster that will never be fixed buuuuuuuuuuuut I must say I am feeling hopeless at the moment. Now that I am mentoring a high schooler and helping empower 25 young women, my perspectives on things are a little different. I have never worked with kids before so seeing how stressed they are over meniscal things that will pass make me realize that I need to relax and realize that situations are temporary not permanent.
I usually put one quote on my posts, but today I have many for you all. The purpose of this post is to admit that I am down and show you how I build myself back up. Thanks for reading.
Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again.
Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.
~Charles R. Swindoll
Only I can change my life. No one can do it for me