Opening myself up is hard to do, especially because not everyone knows how to be geniune and true. I’ve been betrayed so many times that I have this mega wall built up and whenever someone is close to breaking it down something happens that causes me to start rebuilding it. I’m going through it as we speak; thinking I found someone that was over playing games, but that seems to be all I’m getting out of this situation.
One thing about me is once I open myself to somebody I’m pretty much all in. It’s a fault of mine that I’ve come to hate. I have this tendency to give everything before I’m 100% positive a man is ready to give the same in return. I’m so tired of being closed off that I keep giving chance after chance, thinking that this will be the time it’s different only to be proven wrong by an inconsistent asshole.
Right now, I’m dealing with someone that I’ve been playing cat and mouse with for years. He always starts out so damn consistent until he’s not. I’m not sure if it’s the chase he likes or seeing how long it takes me to cave into his advances. Calling me babe and baby, hoping it’ll make me melt a little, which I admit… it does. That’s until I think about how many other females he’s been calling the same basic ass pet name. Whatever it is I hate it! I fucking beat myself up about it because this is the same shit that had me swearing off men and sex for years. I told myself I wouldn’t do this shit again. Don’t we all though?
Now here I am feeling stupid and so unsure. If it’s another thing I can’t stand is second guessing myself and trying to figure out where I stand. One minute I’m positive we’re good, then the next I won’t hear a word from him; no text, no calls and no response to my messages. I straight up get ignored. I try not to get in my feelings about it, but how could I not? I’m going out my way to show that I’m interested in him, being sensitive and understanding to the things he says he is going through (but doesn’t want to talk about), yet I’m getting nothing in return.
What makes the situation worse is I wasn’t even pushing for a relationship. Shit I was barely pushing for a situationship. I was hoping to have some fun at most, until he started putting all that good shit in my ear. Plus he is the one that came after me. Yeah, I liked him, but I made myself very clear about not wanting to deal with anyone who wasn’t going to take me serious or play little ass games and that’s exactly what’s happening. I say this all the time, if you just want to fuck say that and leave it at that. We don’t have to talk all the time, share sweet nothings through text and all that other shit. Oh, but no, some guys feel like they have to lie just to get some ass.
It’s like at what age does it stop? I’m 31 with an elementary aged kid and If I have to stay single for fucking ever I will. There’s only so much I can give and put up with before I no longer care. When approaching me all I ask for is honesty, loyalty, laughs, love and some got damn consistency. If you can’t give that to me I don’t want anything at all. I’d just be wasting time that I’m not guaranteed.
Queen Media Collective 