Photo by Anna Shvets Courtesy of

Whew, chile this gone be touchy and rub a lot of people wrong but guess who does not care.

Let me just start out by saying that I mean every word, I do not care who likes it, and is it time to speak about real facts.

Do yall not know that your friends can be toxic, users, manipulative and give you the same heartache as a spouse? Damn right they can!! And it is hidden by the words “fake, acting funny, sometimesy” all words that I have used before until I took a minute to take a step back and evaluate some of the relationships that I was partaking in.

Now I have one friend in particular that I am 100% transparent with and that is every ugly thing to the best moments life has to offer we share with one another. And we had a conversation one day and I was explaining to her this feeling I had on my chest about how to be a loyal and present friend without being heavily involved in the transferring of feelings that we sometimes do as friends or “emotional dumping” as I like to call it. She explained to me that she used to call one cousin and complain to her about the same things over and over again and one day her cousin stopped her and explained to her that she did not want to her to feel that she was not there for her but she did not want to hear what she had to say if she had no intentions on changing her circumstances and simply put she wanted to protect her peace and did not need the weight of my friend’s problems on her shoulders. Now, when she said that I sat quiet for a minute because it hurt MY feelings and when I let my friend continue she said she was so mad that she did not talk to her cousin for about two years and I quote, “Because how DARE SHE.”

When I thought about it some more and some of the relationships I hold I had the same response, but in a different manner. HOW DARE SHE (my friends) never be available to me as I am for them, how dare they dump all of their issues on me but when it comes to me needing a ear or a shoulder to cry on they are not there or I am being ridiculed or brushed off for my feelings. How dare I expect a grand celebration like I do for all of my friends but when I need them to be proud of me the same is not reciprocated. And finally HOW DARE I make the decisions that mean either cutting people off or limiting the access I give to them in order to take care of VONTRESS! 

Well Gawdt damn an epiphany. I ain’t got the friends I need CLEARLY. If I do not feel relief from your presence, or you are not a safe place for me to vent, laugh, cry, and be uplifting to one another, what is my use for you? What is the purpose of having someone in my space that I have to be guarded with and who can not understand when they need to take accountability for themselves and why their selfishness and miserable ways can be called out in order for them to make decisions for themselves to move forward.

Truth be told, we hold on to things out of loyalty for others rather than ourselves. And sometimes the better versions of ourselves require us to be tested within our circles in order for us to separate and walk a straight line to our purpose.


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