Why did my uncle post a video of me from 2005 when I was ten years old and I am legitimately preaching? I’m telling grown adults that the devil is bewitching them because they watch shows and movies with witchcraft, listen to rap and R&B, play violent video games, and watch sexual images on their televisions. I even talk about same-sex relationships. By the way, I tell them they have no business listening to secular music, having sex, or exposing themselves to witchcraft. What ten-year-old has those kind of guts? I remember vividly, riding with my oldest sister in her blue Nissan, crying because she was playing “Hot In Herre” by Nelly and I thought I was going to go to hell for listening to that song.
Then I hit puberty and learned all the words to “I Need That” by Vixen Ent. You tell me which song is more inappropriate.
I watched that video and was shocked by some of the things I said, but what I took most notice of was my confidence. I did not care at all what anybody thought, so I twisted my neck, I rolled my eyes, and I even had dramatic pauses like, “I said what I said”. But just like the rigidity of my beliefs loosened with age, exposure, and knowledge, so did my confidence. I became a people-pleaser. So, when I became an independent contractor and was faced with all of the challenges of running a business and getting others to believe what I believed, instead of drawing closer to God, I moved further away.
During the time I was depressed, I also refused to go to church. I’d get up and lie to myself like I was going, but just end up going back to sleep. I hope someone reads this who has no relationship with God at all because I want you to see something. God is not the person I preached about. Yes, all things that are available to a man may not be beneficial, but there is also nothing that can separate us from the love he has for us.
Sometimes, people rely so much on being perfect examples of scripture and living these God-centered lives that they’re no good in life’s realities. And the craziest thing, my own sense of entitlement and expectation of things without putting in the work to achieve them, was the reason I was not getting my desired results and not getting my results microwaved and delivered to me on a platter caused my sadness. Almost as if God was going to bring someone to my doorstep and solve everything for me. However, instead of praying more to seek that, I thought if I lived, breathed, and slept my business, I’d succeed. Looking back, my mindset was all the way messed up. I expected God to solve my problems, but I did not want to talk to him because I also wanted to solve them myself — yeah that’s logical.
There is no reason to be so impossible with yourself.
Now, I’m so in tune with my center, with God, and with what I’m supposed to do, that before I even start my day, I pray for guidance, direction, and words to say to others. Above all, I pray that he uses me and that I positively impact the life of someone else through my presence.
Whenever you start something new, whether that’s a business, a new position at work, or a new relationship, it’s easy to prioritize what’s new and exciting above all else. But if you lose sight of the center, which is God, your journey will always be a headache and a half.
As you boss your life up, remember to never level up on God. He has to come first — because if he doesn’t — baby, your mind will take all the way over.