Life as a creative/ empath/ perfectionist is not easy. The desire to be successful has me on an emotional rollercoaster every single day. Some days are worse than others.
This morning I woke up and I was not feeling it. I laid in bed for two hours asking myself things like Why am I not successful yet? What if I never make it? What am I doing wrong? How long is this journey going to be?
I was so overwhelmed by my thoughts that I found it hard AF to be productive.
Despite my therapist and friends reminding me to show myself grace, at times it seems impossible for me. I had been doing a good job, but last weekend I saw one of my mentors and after catching her up on my life she responded in a way I didn’t expect. She called me lazy.
I have been called a lot of things, but never in my life have I been called lazy. My immediate reaction was to get defensive.
Me- Me? Lazy? How am I lazy? I created a whole website, numerous blogs and two seasons of a web series!
My mentor stared at me intently before responding.
Mentor- Yes, you’ve accomplished all those things. But the way you have been spending your time now versus the goals you want to accomplish shows that you are lazy and do not have tunnel vision when it comes to your dreams.
She was absolutely right and this was a hard pill to swallow. I had been cattin off in the worse way and trying to find happiness through everything but myself. I told my mentor that she was right, but having tunnel vision was hard. She basically told me to stop making excuses and start seeing myself as a rabbit with the carrot dangling in front of me.
I hadn’t seen or spoken to my mentor since last year, but something had told me to reach out to her. I guess that was the universe. After I left her I went home and cried my eyes out for the rest of the night. I knew exactly what I needed to be doing, so why did I continuously allow myself to get distracted? I thought about everything we discussed the rest of the weekend and I started to plot. I plotted, strategized, brain stormed, you name it.
I woke up Monday feeling ready to be productive. It felt like a new start. I changed the words on my motivation board to Perfect day to boss up and immediately got to work.
Tuesday was a different story. I catted off til about 2PM and then I decided to go run some errands. Being out and about made me feel better and helped me recalibrate. Moral of the story is, tomorrow is a new day to boss up and handle business. Although I should of been more productive today, I wasn’t, and it is what it is. If you ever wake up feeling depressed and need to take some time to feel better, don’t beat yourself up about it.
I am the perfect example that it is possible to boss up regardless of dealing with depression. Stay tuned. The rest of this year is going to one for the books.